Your Chariot’s on Fire
When you’re with someone for seven years, you think you know everything about them. Or at least the important things. And of course all the weird things. I don’t think it was until now that I knew how truly obsessed Steve was with all things Olympics. I mean there’s been like three other Olympics in the time since we first started dating, but this is the first time it’s been on since we’ve lived together.
I have never seen someone so entranced with something as I’ve seen him in the four days since the Games started. I’m not particularly athletic, so I’ve never really paid attention to the Olympics in the past. Plus I hate watching people play sports on television.
But like every other red-blooded American I of course tuned in for the Opening Ceremonies on Friday night. And while it’s hard for me to get into the sport of it all, it was instantaneous that I observed what I deemed to be the hits and misses of the Parade of Nations ensembles. Which is obviously almost as important as winning an actual medal. I mean, who wants to go down in history as the team with the worst uniforms?
So here it is, your very own Lindsay’s Look: Best and Worst Dressed, Olympics Edition. Just like the Oscars, but with more blazers and less sequins.
Best:
Brazil
I imagine that designing skirts for a large group of women is tough, especially very muscular women with athletic bodies. But I think unlike the longer skirts that many countries donned so awkwardly, these bright green and yellow minis seemed to compliment the female Brazilian athletes very well. It probably also doesn’t hurt that Brazilian women have a reputation for being the most beautiful women in the world. I’m not usually a fan of the sneaker/skirt combo but they manage to make it look really cute and not at all Working Girl. Bonus points for the cute scarves.
Cayman Islands
How often do you hear “relaxed fit” and think “sloppy?” These loose white pants get the job done right. I mean it wouldn’t make sense for this locale to send their representatives in there in some some stuffy buttoned up duds. However, the fitted blazers add a level of polish to what could be a slackerish look. Also I’m a sucker for some good piping. With the straw fedoras and hints of lime, this look screams “preppy islander” which I’m kind of obsessed with.
Denmark
This may be one of my favorite looks of the evening, and I spent quite a bit of time staring at David Beckham. I love that they look like a group of well-dressed school girls. This is such a classic ensemble that it could be their uniforms from 1912 or 2012. You really can’t go wrong with a classic cardigan and a swooshy A line skirt. Also, props to whoever designed this for grasping the concept that athletes can wear something other than sneakers for a few hours. There’s nothing wrong with a tasteful flat!
France
Leave it to France to be at the height of fashion even in sport. For them, it was all about the accessories. The women carried purses. PURSES! Genius. Just because you don’t have to carry money, identification or a cell phone doesn’t mean you should scrimp on the extras! Between the guys striped belts and the women’s red shoes (die!), these looks were pulled together effortlessly. But what would you expect?
Guam
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Just don’t look at the men. The women (you know, all three of them. Represent!) I thought looked stunning in their blue and white printed maxi dresses. I love that they stood out in a sea full of blazers and linen pants. I think the whole thing of these outfits is that it’s supposed to accurately represent the feel of your country, and you have all of ten seconds to make that impression. These women would have looked out of place if they had tried to sport some version of what they thought Olympic uniforms are supposed to look like. If I could say hooray in Guam I would.
India
I haven’t really gotten in on the whole Bollywood trend (I mean, I still haven’t even seen Slumdog Millionaire) but I think these buttery yellow gowns compliment their skin and hair perfectly. The beautiful edge detailing and soft slippers compliment the busy garments without distracting from what I can only refer to as an ornate simplicity.
Jamaica
It’s hard to tell the difference between these and the Brazilian uniforms upon first glance, as they feature very similar colors. While I don’t love them as much as the aforementioned outfits, I like the boldness of the yellow jacket and the insignia style patch on the skirts. Now I know the weather is crappy in London, but were the black tights really necessary? It’s July. But props to the men for rocking those very fitted green pants.
Latvia
Has anyone else out there only heard of Latvia because that’s where Winston played basketball on New Girl? No? You guys all knew where that was? Just me? Whatever. Well what I now know about Latvia is they are at least halfway stylish. A fitted white blazer, tasteful sheath dresses, chic flats. However they almost lost me with those floppy hats. You know how they say you should always remove one accessory before you leave? Well those hats would have been best left at home in Latvia.
Liberia
Again, I’ve chosen to completely ignore the men in this instance (I mean completely, because um, hello, ponchos?!) because it does not look like they and the women on this team came from the same place. I mean the women look so chic in their white dress/red blazer combos and the men look like they all piled out of a very small car to get there.
Libya
So apparently, this is where I need to go to find just the right pair of red pants. Now if someone could just point me to the general vicinity of where Libya is located, I’ll be on my way.
Mauritius
Forget Banana Republic, apparently the Olympics is where you need to go to get yourself a quality fitted blazer. These ladies look lovely in navy skirts and khaki blazers. The print is a little scary on the shirt (again, mainly exhibited by the men, ugh) but the little red scarf is a nice distraction. Again, this is a case of where a good flat can go a long way in place of an athletic shoe. I mean, look how happy that flag girl is. She knows she looks good, so she feels good too! It could also have something to do with being in the peak of physical perfection. Eh, screw that. Clothes make the man (or woman!) and this girl clearly can tell she’s rocking it.
Nepal
Again with a quality maxi dress! Applause, Nepal! I admit, I would have liked to see what appears to be a one shoulder top of this dress, but maybe this is one of the more conservative countries? I don’t know, Nepal sounds cold too. Maybe that’s why they’re covering up with blazers? It definitely takes away a little bit from the breezyness of it, plus you’re kind of throwing off what is supposed to be an asymmetrical design by putting something so balanced and structured on the top. But props to them for stepping outside what appears to be a very narrow box at the Opening Ceremony.
Netherlands
This one deserves a gold medal if only because it is one of the worst color combinations to work with. I know that blue and orange are technically complimentary on the color wheel, but that is a very challenging palate. Speaking as someone who is married to someone who’s favorite color is orange, I can tell you for a fact that while nothing rhymes with orange, nothing goes with it either. Something about this orange trench just works, and the muted navy dress helps to balance out what could have been a fashion disaster. Even the guys are rocking the orange pants a fabulous sweater and blazer like it’s nothing. The only thing I find weird about this is the corsages. First of all, why?! I didn’t seen anyone else looking like they were heading to the prom instead of the Olympic games. Even if you disregard the flowers on the men because I guess they are like, a little bit dashing, the sheer size of these buds are just kind of awkward for the women and like that giant creepy baby in the opening number, I just don’t get why it’s there.
Nigeria
Talk about representing! I love these cheery swooshy numbers. The bold emerald color looks awesome against the crisp white and it makes me want to go there and hang out with these people and have them dress me. I’m sure the hats are traditional garb, but they’re just like slightly big for my taste. I know, I’m a bigger is always better type gal when it comes to accessories, but I think they distract a little from the dresses. Still beautiful, though!
Paraguay
I think in general the men of the Olympics pretty much all deserve to be in the worst dressed category. I mean, who knew that the athletes from Paraguay also moonlight in a barbershop quartet?! But look at those women. Red wrap dresses and cleavage make for the most va va voomiest of Opening Ceremony garb. However the flats help balance it out a bit. But ladies, where are we going with the barrettes?
Senegal
So other than red, white and blue which is apparently everyone else’s national colors (good to know that if things don’t work out here, my wardrobe and I will be just fine in almost every other country previously owned by Great Britain), yellow was the hot color of the evening. I know, I know, it’s like the actual color of these countries, but I love how everyone was just so bold with it. LIke these two piece dresses courtesy of Senegal. I loved the contrast of the black embroidery on the top, and their head pieces were just the right size that they didn’t distract from the rest of the outfit.
Serbia
Um, what’s going on here? I thought Serbia was an awful frozen tundra where you send things that you never want to see again? Not the land of cute shorts and striped sweaters. Seriously, I love everything about both of these looks. For guys or girls for that matter, you can never go wrong with a nice sweater and a button down. As for the ladies, the white blazer has obviously been a staple for many Olympic uniforms, but the thin navy piping is the perfect addition to such an essential piece.
*note: I have just been informed that Siberia is the awful frozen tundra, not Serbia. Serbia has to at least be nice enough to wear shorts, wherever it is.
Kate Middleton
Okay, well obviously this is a give in. I mean, is the Duchess even capable of being on a worst dressed list? Clearly she’s pulling out the big fashion guns being that this is the Olympics and all. This pale blue number is stunning, which is hard to say about something with a satin belt.
Worst:
Algeria
Track suits? For a sporting event? How groundbreaking. Wake me when it’s over.
United States
Okay, I know I am being a total traitor to my country and my marriage but I hate these outfits. I don’t care that they’re Ralph Lauren. The double breasted blazer is way too stiff and those white skirts look like they belong on nurses in the 1950’s. And the bobby socks with the white Ked’s? Kill me. I think the absolute worst is the hats. Oh, the hats. If there was something I never needed to see, it’s LeBron James in a beret.
Canada
Again, the track jackets? Snooze. I think Steve used to wear this jacket in college and I can vividly remember he bought it at Walmart. Also no one can wear a red top and khakis anymore without looking like the Target lady. Not cute.
Czech Republic
I think the Czechians have taken every possible horrible thing you could wear and thrown them together. This reminds me of what kindergarteners look like after they beg their parents to let them dress themselves. I get that London is rainy, but the boots are so unnecessary. Also, the umbrellas. And the leggings. And the print. Ugh, that horrible print.
Finland
Again with the print. What is this? Whatever it is, it hurts.
Hungary
The cast of Annie Get Your Gun called. They want their costumes back.
Liechtenstein
One word: jeans.
Macedonia
Oh, sorry. I mean Former Yougoslav Republic of Macedonia. Sorry for the confusion. Is this a warm place? I mean, it still doesn’t really justify showing up in board shorts. As if those weren’t bad enough, a long sleeve shirt doesn’t exactly compliment the beach bottoms.
Mexico
I’m sorry, but these outfits just look like something that Mexico threw up. Which is exactly how I feel when I look at them.
Papua New Guinea
Sorry, New Guinea, you are no Katniss. And don’t even get me started on the skirt length.
Samoa
I guess their Olympians double as nurses at the local hospitals?
Spain
Ugh. I take back what I said about yellow. And purses. Sometimes trends can go wrong. I mean, even the boat shoes are questionable in this instance. Oh and there are headbands. Basically everything that could ever be horrible is in the ensemble. Which is unfortunate, because I picture Spanish women as being really sexy in like a flamenco skirt or something with their flowing hair pinned aside by a giant flower. Stereotype? Maybe. Whatever, it’s better than being forced to look at this mess much longer.
Queen Elizabeth
Okay, I don’t really want to judge her outfit so much because this lady has worn every color under the sun throughout her reign and she’s probably running out. However I do know this is a difficult color to wear when you are British/Waspy/”Pink” (as my mother says, who is one of those people herself). I am more bestowing this un-honor on her due to her facial expressions, or lack thereof. Lizzie, hasn’t anyone ever told you you’re never fully dressed without a smile?! Cheer up! You got the Olympics in your city, it’s your Jubilee, and you got to meet James Bond!
~L
all photos courtesy of yahoo!
One comment on “Your Chariot’s on Fire”
Leave a Reply
Get Snappy
Follow legallylinz on Snapchat!
Ahh I freaking love this! Brazil is killing it with the skirts/sneakers and bright colors. The Cayman piping rocks; the Paraguay dresses are damn sexy, and the maxis are fabulous. USA? WHAT THE HECK. Take a cue from Denmark. Now THAT is how you do classic and preppy while actually dressing the FLATTER the body and not look costumey. I would wear that outfit to work, on a date, and yes pretty much anywhere (it was also my favorite of this bunch). USA, just fail. Even if it is Ralph Lauren. I’m sure everyone in New York is gonna be all, OMG how chic!!! and copy that ill-fitting skirt and sneakers situation. Ugh.