Last night, after a highly stimulating evening of watching New Hampshire’s finest strutting around my former high school in their bathing suits, I was excited to kick off my 5 inch heels and relax with some mindless tv. Fortunately, today just happened to be the premiere of Atlanta Real Housewife Kim Zolciak’s spinoff Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding.


Let me preface this by saying that prior to a mini marathon today, I have never reall watched RHOA. I don’t know why, but I just never really got into it, and it wasn’t until the 17 part reunion special that I really started to take notice. 


So even though I knew virtually nothing about Kim Z except for the fact that she wears a lot of wigs and used to have a boyfriend known only as “Big Poppa,” I somehow got suckered into DVR’ing this AT MY PARENTS HOUSE. Like this was so important, I couldn’t wait four days and watch it when I got home. 


The show opens of course as all Housewives locales do, with a pan shot of her amazing house which is apparently filled with ginormous portraits of a naked, pregnant Kim. She is apparently a little bit lonely, as she is having a heart to heart with her barely a few months old son KJ (which does not exactly roll off the tongue) about how shiny her ring is, how it’s going to be really tough to plan this wedding, you know, all very high priority stuff for young KJ. And I have to say, despite her slightly… masculine features, KJ seems like just an adorable happy little baby. At one point I questioned if he was hers because he just seemed so damn cute and innocent. However a second later, KJ locked his eyes on the camera, dead center, and gave it a full on death stare down, then broke out giggling and drooling, which made me feel sad because this is already normal for him and the fact that he isn’t scared of this strange man holding a giant video machine in his house only proves that this literally is a new reality. 


I found myself wondering why fame obsessed KJ was so cute considering that his mom looks like this: 

And it turns out that KJ’s dad Kroy, is actually very cute and sweet, despite the fact that he has a very stupidly made up name. Apparently he is a football player, but like Lamar Odom, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries and every other athlete that Kim Kardashian has once banged, I had never heard of him until he started appearing on a reality show. All I know is he plays for the red team. And apparently is partially blind/deaf, as he has somehow fallen for Kim Z.


So Kroy and Kim are talking about their impending wedding, which apparently has to take place on 11-11-11 despite the fact that is in the middle of football season and a mere two months away. She started spouting off about the moon, planets, numerology and some other confalooted excuses as to why it had to be that day, completely ignoring the real reason is because she only cares about herself and what she wants. But hey, she’s a bride. We all have our moments. And yes, I’m still referring to myself as a bride. 


Poor Kroy. Like so many other unsuspecting athletes whose lives are ruined by reality whores, all he wants to do is get married in a wheat field in Montana. He even had this adorable idea about making an aisle out of cut wheat. How cute is that? And by cute I mean awful. Because who wants to get married in a field. Ick. But good for him for making an effort, and not just grunting along with whatever she says like Kris Humphries was contractually obligated to do.

To add insult to injury, since this magical date happens to be on a Friday, Kroy is only able to attend if it’s an evening affair because he has to you know, work. So he’s going to practice all day, grappling with a bunch of sweaty men in pads in the hot Atlanta sun, and then rush home and get married on his basketball court. Every man’s dream.


Apparently Kim was slightly considering her future hubby’s feelings and declared a Winter Wonderland theme in honor of Kroy’s home state. As sweet as that is, we have just all take a second here and remember they they are in Atlanta. But Kim’s pretty sharp, so she has that figured out too. So what are we having? Duh. A Mont-lanta wedding. Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it? That is, if you can ignore the fact that it sort of sounds like heartburn medication. 

Another innocent bystander in this whole thing? Kim’s poor mother, who showed up at Kim’s house to meet the wedding planner, ready and rearing to go with her little notebook and her most formal butterfly clips in her hair. However, Kim was a little resistant to letting her mom be involved, as they hadn’t seen each other in a few months and her mom is “like, kind of annoying sometimes.” I feel sort of bad for her, I mean, at this point the only thing she’s guilty of so far is having a slightly annoying laugh and showing her excitement with a series of mini claps. 


Somehow Kim tricked celebrity wedding planner Colin Cowie into thinking she was someone special and he agreed to plan her dream wedding… for a mere seven figure price tag of course. But what really surprised me is Kim’s obsession with a $58,000 wedding gown that she almost bought three years ago despite the fact that she wasn’t engaged or even dating anybody. She was so desperate for said dress that she found it on a gown resale site and bought it from some other rich bitch who only wore it for an hour. After declaring that she also would only wear it for an hour herself (apparently, that’s the thing to do with $58,000 dresses) she convinced her matron of honor Jenny (who also appears to be nice and normal despite allowing Kim to refer to her as “bitch” constantly- where the hell is she finding these people?!) that it was totally okay to wear a used wedding gown. 


The best part of this entire episode has to be when Kim is showing her young, seemingly normal as well daughters, what the backyard is going to look like on this glorious day. As they’re innocently strolling around the pool imagining what this runway or whatever monstrosity they’re building on top of it is going to look like, she up and shoves nine year old Ariana just right into the pool. Poor girl didn’t even see it coming. I mean, most people wouldn’t expect to be almost drowned by their parent, but Kim Z is a special kind of mother. I also loved how Ariana was clutching a towel around herself, shivering after recovering from this traumatic event, and Kim is just going on and on about rhinestones on her aisle runner or something like that. 


So needless to say, I am totally hooked. And let me tell you, after seeing the preview scenes for the rest of this season, the best is yet to come. I cannot wait for the flowered pantsuit, the long awaited wig removal, the family drama, and of course nothing says happily married like a couple of police cruisers crashing your reception. I.cannot.wait