Ah, fall. Crisp leaves, warm apple cider. Prancing up and down rows of apple trees.

At least, that’s what I hear goes on outside come September. I wouldn’t know anything about that. Because…

IT’S TV TIME!!!

That’s like t-shirt time, but with less orange residue.

In all seriousness, I am so excited for fall television. I can’t wait to see my old friends (missed you, Schmidt) and meet someone new ones (hello, Mindy!) and prepare to say goodbye (I understand it’s time, but I’m still coming to terms with not seeing my pals at Dunder Mifflin every week). Yes, I know the weather is perfect outside. I know that normal people are tailgating at football games (ick), baking pies (which I did once and was promptly crushed when Steve “accidentally” dropped the Pyrex dish in the parking lot and DESTROYED it) and I don’t know… hiking, or something? Sorry, that’s just not my style. Yes, I know I’m dead inside. 

But seriously, I’m facing a moral and ethical dilemma. And by moral and ethical, I mean I need to somehow convince Comcast that I need more storage space on my DVR than the average person. Since their customer service representatives are clearly impervious to crying, screaming and other emotional reactions, I guess I’m going to have to be slightly sneaking in my show scheduling. 

don’t worry, claire. we’ll do this together.

Armed with my latest copy of Entertainment Weekly, I decided that the first step to solving all of my #firstworldproblem was to get organized. This is something I hear that people do with important things in their life, like bill paying. I went through and made a list of all the shows I knew I would want to see. And there were twenty four. 

I know what you’re thinking. Lindsay, that’s crazy. No sane person can watch that much television and lead a normal life. Well that was your first mistake because I am clearly not not crazy and barely anything I do can be regarded as normal. I work in retail. When you’re off on a Tuesday and the rest of the world is working, “accidentally” watching TV for eight hours doesn’t seem so pathetic… until I see it written out… just now. 

Anyway, here is my list of shows that I am going to give my life to this year. Because you really care. Also because writing it out helps my brain to start to wrap around how I can make this work. This is basically the closest I will come to performing a mathematical equation. 

Monday:
8:00 How I Met Your Mother (CBS 9.24) So I haven’t really ever been a regular viewer of this show, mainly because I started late and in no particular order have been catching up on syndicated reruns. But I did manage to catch the finale last year, mainly because I wanted to see the birth of Marshall and Lily’s baby. But now I’ve been reading that there’s a possibility this could be the last season, and of course now I have to know who the mother is. 
8:30 Partners (CBS 9.24) NEW Please just read the premise of this show and try to tell me that it’s not the story of Steve and each and every one of his gay friends. 
8:00 The Voice (NBC 9.10) If you can believe it, Steve and I actually watch this show together. So it stays. Plus I still just cannot get over the brilliance of a red spinning chair.
9:00 Two Broke Girls (CBS 9.24) Again, not a regular watcher. Just kind of catching up when I can. This one may have to wait until reruns due to the many hours of The Voice blind auditions. 
9:00 Gossip Girl (The CW 10.8) I know this show is clearly not what it used to be. But again, final season here. And other than that whore Vanessa, the original cast is still intact. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself if this series does not end with a Blair and Chuck wedding.

Tuesday:
8:00 Raising Hope (Fox 10.2) I started watching this show because my mom couldn’t stop raving about the cute baby that played Hope. Steve and I both got hooked and I’ve even bought him some of the t-shirts Jimmy is seen wearing on the show. Good times. 
8:00 The Voice (NBC 9.10) I don’t understand why this is necessary, but I’m there. 
9:00 New Girl (Fox 9.25) I literally cannot wait for this show to start again. Steve and I have been talking about it all summer. Well, I’ve been talking about it and occasionally he remembers that it was funny. I am actually almost over the “Girl” because I’m so obsessed with the guys on this show. I.CANNOT.WAIT.
9:00 Happy Endings (ABC 10.23) We love this one too. Wow. I’m surprised by us. 
9:30 The Mindy Project (Fox 9.25) NEW If you’re the type of girl that read Mindy Kaling’s book, you’ve obviously been waiting for this one. I love that it’s a show about a crazy girl that also happens to be a gynecologist. Remember when they couldn’t even say the word “period” in tampon commercials? Oh, how far we’ve come. 
9:30 Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23 (ABC 10.23) Steve thinks I should let this one go. I think that anyone that watches My Deadliest Dirty Picking Job in the Yukon Swamp People Under the Bering Sea Survival Guide isn’t really in a position to make suggestions.
9:30 The New Normal (NBC 9.10) NEW So this show is going to be on Tuesdays but the pilot is getting the amazing lead in of The Voice this Monday. I know, confusing. Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out together. I’m still devastated that Glee is moving to Thursdays (more on that later) so this is going to have to fill my Tuesday Ryan Murphy void. Also I’m afraid of American Horror Story so there will be none of that. 

Wednesday:
8:00 The X Factor (Fox 9.12) One word: Britney. I am not even pretending that I remotely care about any of the contestants on this show or Simon Cowell for that matter. I am all in this for Miss Spears and whatever crazy she brings to the judges table. Which I hope is a lot. 
8:30 Guys with Kids (NBC 9.12) This one also just looks cute. I miss sitcoms. 
9:00 Modern Family (ABC 9.26) DUH. 

Thursday:
8:00 30 Rock (NBC 10.4) I cannot believe this isn’t coming back until October. Also in its last season, I’m hoping that we’ll find out early on whether or not Liz is going to get that… plant after all. 
8:00 The X Factor Results Show (Fox 9.12) Ugh. These are so dumb. Hopefully I won’t have any emotional ties to any of the contestants so that it’s unnecessary for me to watch all of these. 
9:00 The Office (NBC 9.20) I know that it hasn’t been the same since Michael Scott left, but after the announcement that this will be their final season, I know that I absolutely have to see how it ends. And how they fill the void left by Kelly Kapor. 
9:00 Glee (Fox 9.13) Let me just start off by saying that I’m a little bit mad at them for moving to Thursdays. Thursday is my most stressful TV day to begin with, and now I have to rearrange everything to make room for New Directions. And no, I don’t know what they’re going to do to work in everyone now that half the cast has graduated. As much as I would like to be bitchy girlfriends with Ryan Murphy, I can’t even pretend that I understand how they’re going to make this work, and yet people keep asking me as if I am one of the writers myself. Which I have to admit, is flattering. All I know is that every cast member is in the new promo photos so no one appears to have jumped ship yet. Whether it works is to be determined, but I’m sure I will never stop believing.
9:00 Grey’s Anatomy (ABC 9.27) I know this show is ridiculous. But every year they keep me hooked. What could have topped the hostage situation in the hospital last year? Oh nothing, just LOSING ALMOST EVERY SURGEON IN THE WILDERNESS AFTER A PLANE CRASH. No biggie. Lexie bit it before the credits rolled and I’ve heard Mark is dunzo after just a few episodes. Throw in half a million of the rarest diseases that for some reason are all treated in this one hospital and McDreamy’s killer hair and I’m done for. 
9:30 Parks and Recreation (NBC 9.20) This is one of my favorite shows if only because it is a Cinderella story. No one expected it to last and here’s Leslie Knope, President of the United States! Okay, she’s actually some sort of elected government official, but still, if it survived its first season, who knows how far we can take this?!
10:00 Jersey Shore (MTV 10.4) Again, final season. I will shed a single tan-streaking tear when I have to bid farewell to these juiceheads. 

Friday:
8:00 Whitney (NBC 10.19) Please don’t throw things at me. I am fully owning that I am one of the few people that actually likes this show, and I was excited when they announced it was coming back, but felt I had to keep it to myself for fear of mockery from fellow pop culture junkies. Steve actually likes it too, but claims he doesn’t like her. It’s so weird that he has some connection with the monotone straight man that has somehow been tricked into dealing with some crazy chick for the rest of his life. 
8:00 America’s Next Top Model (The CW already started) I mean, c’mon. I can’t give up on Tyra and her smizing. And the booty tooching. And making your own wind, which sounds like farting, but it’s actually a very legitimate skill in the modeling world. 
8:30 Community (NBC 10.19) Oh God, I’m nervous about this one. When I first heard that this was being moved to Fridays, I was horrified. Friday is basically where TV shows go to die. I get that Community still hasn’t totally caught on mainstream, but I just cannot stand the thought of it ending so soon just because people don’t get it/can’t find it/are confused why these people haven’t graduated yet. If you’ve never watched this show, you have to. Specifically for these four episodes: Paintball (both parts), Dungeons and Dragons, the Spaceship, and the Pen. This year is starting with a Hunger Games tribute. I dare you to try to convince me that it won’t be genius. 

Saturday:
11:30 Saturday Night Live (NBC 9.15) I’m a little underwhelmed so far, only because Seth MacFarlane is slotted as the first host, and I must be the only person in the world that hates everything he touches. However I am excited for the extra prime time election specials they’ll have this fall, which I’m sure will interfere with something I’m already recording. 

Now keep in mind, this is excluding all the crappy I Didn’t Know I was a Teen Mom Pregnant with a Honey Boo Boo Child Kardashian Housewife of a Bridezilla Dance Mom that I find horrifyingly irresistible. So it’s going to be tight. 

Priorities, people. Priorities. 

~L