So since I’ve started working a normal job and I’m essentially living alone with no access to DVR, I have been forced to try to remember my very heavy TV schedule manually. Like with my brain. I don’t even know what days my shows are on anymore.

Except Glee. How could I ever forget my favorite show about high school kids that periodically break into song in the hallways and then continue that behavior well past the age where it’s adorable?

Well while I was watching Glee in real time WITH commercials, my laptop died. Like just gave up living, right there in my lap, like it was a big budget wartime drama. We still have not determined a diagnosis. Your prayers are appreciated.

Anyway, I started my traditional live FB statuses and ended up doing a full on recap- or Gleecap, rather- in the Notes app on my iPhone. So here we are.

The theme of this episode (because apparently a regular story line just isn’t enough for a show anymore) was Guilty Pleasures. The brainchild of a sort of uncomfortable bond between Sam and Blaine, it started with what I can only describe as the gayest thing I’ve ever seen on this show, and that’s saying something. Dancing around in their sherbet colored short shorts singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” was not not my favorite number. I don’t mind a little cheese but this excuse of a guilty pleasure for Blaine won’t be making an appearance on my Spotify player anytime soon.

Despite being thousands of miles away, our NYC Gleeks were also discovering some deep dark little secrets about each other as well. When they zoomed in on Kurt pulling a box out from under his bed, I thought of a million things that could be in there other than… a man shaped body pillow. Really, Kurt? Is this how low we’ve sunk? You achieved your dream of getting into NYADA and living in a place where ascots and oversized brooches are completely acceptable for men and this is what you need to feel complete?

Rachel and Santana, in a fit of schoolgirl mischief, busted in and discovered Kurt’s super creepy bedtime accessory. All I can say is that these girls dress way sexier than I would If I lived with any of my gay friends.

We then segued to Sam continuing his what I had hoped was a joke proclamation of his love for Barry Manilow with a ruffled sleeve rendition of “Cope Cabana.” I know Glee has never been particularly accurate but the fact that they’re trying to convince me that a 15 year old in 2013 not only knows who he is but has many friends who are also fans is just ridiculous. The saving grace of this episode was the rumblings of a Spice Girl number, which these kids also shouldn’t be familiar with but I was so freaking excited I didn’t care. Jake threatened to derail this amazingness by performing a Chris Brown song, which is apparently THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IN GLEE EVER according to the girl’s reactions. (My favorite line was when Brittany brought up the undeserving window that found itself targeted by Brown’s anger.)

The girls then got their scary on as they lectured Jake about he whose music shall not be named, where he actually made some good points that I ignored because I really do want Chris Brown to walk off the earth, and he could take Riri with him for all I care. Props to Brittany for defending Brit Brit til the end.

Kurt decided to spread the creepiness and rewarded Rachel and Santana for their invasion of privacy with their own politically correct body pillows. Santana then continued her tour of awfulness by going against Kurt’s wishes and telling Rachel the truth about Brody, which was weird and unprovoked.

Blaine then gave a stunning unautotuned rendition of “Take A Look At Me Now,” which like his piano bar “Teenage Dream” number earlier this season I really enjoyed. I wish they would do more unplugged performances where you can actually feel the emotions behind the barrage of musical numbers.

Finally, it was time for the Spice Girls number. All I can say is, Marley- you and that flat iron need to be BFF’s for life. Ugh, and could Kitty’s voice be any more annoying? She almost ruined the number for me especially since she was elected Ginger Spice, who was always my favorite. These girls obviously have never actually caught up on any real Spiceworld footage, and this was one of the most lackluster performances all season. I mean, Tina was basically asleep the entire time. And Jake turned the Gleeks around with a performance by… a song by a different but equally morally questionable Brown. In his signature Kermit voice, he warbled his way through “My Prerogative,” which only brought me back to Britney all over again.

And the hits just kept on coming. Small Wonder?! Another reference none of these kids would understand. I was alive then and I barely remember the premise of that show. Then Jake and Marley made out and everyone was over it.

The episode picked up for me when Rachel confronted Broday with her proclamation that he was “a MALE HOOKER” and she shoved money at him. She finally stopped blubbering around and grew a pair. She just admitted being in love with someone else and it’s over! But first, one last slow mo duet! A confusing, weird duet featuring running, evening wear, and Rachel and Brody taking turns scream singing while the other one was in bed. Huh?

Back at McKinley, Sam was surprisingly okay with Blaine’s crush on him and they decided that they stay best buddies. It was another lovefest back in NYC too, as Rachel forgave all of Santana’s highly inappropriate behavior just because she happen to expose that whole gigilo thing. She moved on quickly and pronounced she would nurse her broken heart by dating older guys. Right, because that worked out SO well. As if my nightmares hadn’t become real enough, they broke into a chorus of “Mama Mia”… WITH THE BOYFRIEND PILLOWS. If Steve was here he would say the shark just got jumped. Not my favorite episode.

But who am I kidding, I’ll be back next week. See you then!

~L