Category Archives: … at Celebrity Scandal

It’s A Nice Day for a White, White, WHITE Wedding

Posted on Aug 24, 2011Written by Lindsay Scouras

0

In case you happen to have left the country this past weekend, you may not know that reality queen Kim Kardashian tied the knot with the “not-so famous until he met a Kardashian sister” basketball player Kris Humphries.



But for those of you who were stuck here in America, you couldn’t possibly escape the barrage of details that were being reported practically minute-by-minute of their excessive nuptials. Every time I refreshed my Us Weekly app on my iPhone, there was a new “story” on one of the many elements featured at their black and white affair.


It started innocently enough, with a grainy paparazzi photo of Kourtney and Scott holding their son Mason. At first I thought “Wow! I can’t believe a photo of Kim leaked already!” as I knew that she was no doubt selling the exclusive photos to some magazine that I will obviously buy when it hits newsstands on Friday for a bazillion dollars. Turns out, the subject shown in the white mermaid Vera Wang with flowing dark curls was not the bride herself, but her eldest sister.


The only reason I kept obsessively checking my usual tabloid sites is because we all know that the only reason to look at celebrity’s wedding photos is to see their dresses. They really are just like us, but they have more money and designer friends, so seeing the dress is the most critical part of the wedding day coverage. After seeing the headline:

FIRST PIC: See Kim Kardashian’s Beautiful Wedding Dress!

I was super excited to oogle at Kim’s much talked about Vera so that I could get on with my life. I was horrified to discover that this was the photo they were referring to where we would get a special sneak peak before the official wedding photos drop. I’m sorry, I thought she got married in late August in Santa Barbara, not on top of a glacier off the coast of Antartica.



As the day went on, we discovered that shockingly enough, not only were all 76 Kardashian women outfitted in white, but half the guests were too! I found this shocking not because it bucked tradition, but also I couldn’t believe anyone who is so obsessed with how they look enough to wear this much makeup to a dance class would ever let one of her lowly 500 guests (or worse- a more attractive, thinner younger sister) possibly look more bridey than her.


As the day went on, the coverage only grew worse, as we quickly learned about their 6 foot tall cake, Kim’s horribly ugly hairpiece, the gaudy ceremony decor, the guest list, the not one, or two, but THREE Vera’s she donned during the day, the passe track suits, and much much more. The worst part is, it’s not over. It’s not even close to over. Because even though their very special day has passed, Kim’s Fairytale Wedding (as E! has now devoted 75% of their website to Kim’s Koverage) won’t even debut in a four hour special (broken up into 2 two-hour episodes) until OCTOBER.


This is what I do not understand. Clearly, the details are getting out about what went down at this wedding. I’m positive that the $2.5 million photo spread in People is going to be about 20 pages long. The four hour torture fest on E! will show us all the behind the scenes dirt, and when I say behind the scenes, I mean scripted and choreographed by Kris Jenner. Why E! didn’t show the footage live on Saturday is beyond me, or at least bump up the air dates, as the current episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians have barely introduced us to Kim’s lazy-eyed lover, Kris Humphries. I’m sorry, but there is definitely something off about that guy. Maybe it’s that he always looks a little sleepy (or high?) or the fact that he has diarrhea of the mouth, or that unlike every other guy Kim has featured as her boyfriend on the show, he actually seems to enjoy all of the media attention that he gets with her.


Seacrest really needs to start cracking some skulls over there, because how unfortunate that the weekend of her supposed dream wedding is the same weekend that the latest episode of the show feature Kris hanging out with her family the first time (on vacation, no less) and annoying the crap out of them? That just seems like bad PR for KK, and momager Kris should have known better. We haven’t even seen them get engaged yet, and I have been DYING to see those white sparkle mini ponies in person ever since I heard of their existence at their engagement party the last time she had an 18 page spread in People.


Because Kim and her family live their lives so “openly” via Twitter, Us Weekly and the E! channel, nothing about this wedding is even going to be a surprise by October. So why so late, E!? Are you trying to build excitement for the most overexposed celebrity couple of the year? Or do you need them to last at least a month in order to warrant spending the $15 million for the rights to their wedding coverage?


Whatever it is, I am SO over it. Don’t get me wrong, I will obviously be at the supermarket on Friday morning, buying that damn People and filling up my DVR a 4 hour wedding special, but I just want to go on record that as a lover of all things celebrity and all things wedding, I am beyond annoyed that this mayhem is going to continue.


So just to recap- reasons why I kurrently hate Kim Kardasian and her stupid wedding:
1. Kreepy Kris (husband, not mother, although sometimes Kris J. is equally kreepy)
2. Dumb sparkly headpiece
3. From the top up, what appears to be a boring Vera (didn’t even know that was possible)
4. Brangelina-sized paycheck for photo rights (and she certainly isn’t giving it to the children of Namibia)
5. Wedding day tanlines. Ugh
6. Tried to kopy an actual princess by knocking off her kake and bridesmaid attire
7. Incessant media coverage that almost made me miss the fact that Jennifer Garner is pregnant with baby #3 and other important stuff
8. So.many.K’s.


That’s all the Kardashian I can handle for now. I’m absolutely sure it isn’t over, but I will most definitely be going on a Kardashian-related hiatus. Until Friday.


~L

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal

Dance, Dance Revolution

Posted on Aug 11, 2011Written by Lindsay Scouras

0

I have a new television obsession. It doesn’t involve gowns, pregnant teenagers, or weight loss.


Two words: DANCE MOMS.


I used to think that the tagline: “Lifetime- Television for Women” should have been “Lifetime- Television for Women. Old Women.”



That was until, the LT (since it’s so cool now we’re totes abbrev it) started showing reruns of one of my favorite shows of all time, “Will & Grace,” at not only 11:00 am but 11:00 pm as well! Cut to a few years later when the LT finally acquired the rights to new seasons of “Project Runway” after a lengthy battle with the Weinstein Company. At first I was all sad to see PR leave Bravo, like when a little kid that moves out of their childhood home. Then they did that season in LA and I was like “eh…” plus that super boring girl Leanne won. Now it is back and just as good as it ever was, and I realized that I would watch Tim Gunn on any network, including the Food Network, which everyone who knows me knows that that is one channel I do not touch. I honestly have no clue what number it even is on my guide.


Then I slowly started watching more LT because I was trying to get into “How I Met Your Mother.” One of the main reasons I have never watched this show is because it’s on CBS. I haven’t watched CBS since “The Nanny” was on, and the only show I know that’s on CBS currently besides HIMYM are the NCIS or CSI or one of those other abbreviated shows that has 8,000 location based spinoffs. And of the Big 3 it’s totally the old people’s network. There, I said it.


Then, only a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon LT’s latest gem, featuring the emphysema ridden “dance teacher” Abby Lee Miller (whom I have never heard of, but they say her full name as if I should know who she is) and the Moms that pay her to degrade their children, which is ridiculous, because when I was a kid, moms just did that for free (not my mother, of course. Shoutout, Doreen!).


The most confusing thing about this show is how Abby has somehow built this dance empire without actually ever doing any sort of movement at all. Now I am a horrible dancer, so maybe I am in the wrong here questioning her methods, but my husband’s mother is a dance teacher so therefore by proximity I now can pretend I know things about teaching children to dance. And one thing I know for sure is that when she teaches a class, she puts on a leotard and dance shoes and actually shows them, oh I don’t know, a dance step?! Abby wears flip flops, red lipstick and a ever present grimace.


So that’s the backstory on ABBY LEE MILLER *fanfare* and her star-making dance studio. Now, onto tonight’s episode. I was particularly excited for this one because some good extra crazy went down last week after Christi had it out with Abby backstage at another one of their “competitions,” which somehow are every weekend and have a maximum of 20 audience members. Christi is the best kind of crazy mom, because she’s entitled (“I pay YOUR bills!”) and she thinks her kid is most amazing dancer EVER even though this girl Maddie clearly steals the show from her Chloe every single week. I mean, Chloe has never even been on the top of the pyramid. Sad.


After the jazzy Dance Mom credits (“my world is with my giiiiirls,” c’mon, you know the words!) I died laughing immediately because the first image that came on the screen was a close up of “The Donut Connection,” which let’s face it, is clearly Abby’s favorite eatery. This is where Christi and Abby chose to meet up to settle their differences. Christi still felt that Abby was in the wrong, but she was willing to take the high road. “I think I deserve an apology too,” she said. “But I think I’ll be the bigger woman.” Unfortunately for Christi, that is literally impossible if you happen to be in the same room as Abby.


Abby wasn’t having any of this, and immediately presented Christi with a contract outlining all of the things she can and cannot do in order for Christi to keep spending $23,000 a year (or so she said in episode 1) on ruining what is left of Chloe’s childhood. I was hoping for more of a public throwdown that would result in Abby being banned from the Donut Connection for life, but she’s gotta have stock options in that place or something. She hightailed it out of there so quick after serving Christi those papers that she knocked some poor Granny in a green coat out of the way so she could get out the door.


Then it was that magical time where the girls and moms get to come in the studio and hear about what a terrible job they did that previous week. But Abby wasn’t going to live in the past- this weekend is going to be the ALDC Showcase, the most important event of all! We know that because Abby wrote it on the chalkboard in crazy sideways Unabomber handwriting. You must be thinking, that has to be some sort of fancy dance competition with lights and trophies and AquaNet! Think again- it’s merely the Abby Lee Dance Company Showcase. What’s the point of dancing if there’s no chance of a trophy?! That would be like, doing it for fun, which is not what dancing is about! Now get to work grinding down those hip bones!


In an ironic twist, Abby decided that this week the Moms would take a break from living vicariously through their children and actually perform a number in the show themselves, which I think was her way of getting those crazy be-otches to stop staring at her from the viewing room and would inevitably lead to them taking each other out, Hunger Games style. And just to really prove that she absolutely hates all of them, she let bat sh*t crazy Cathy choreograph. For 5 minutes the pointe shoe was on the other foot and the girls got to sit in the viewing room and mock the Moms while they attempted to learn their routine, and for a moment, all was right in the world.


Later Abby was still punishing Christi for her behavior and forced her to promote the showcase street team style with Kelly. As they ran around town all afternoon trying to force young people who looked like they would prefer to be on a reality show for ANYTHING else to attend a children’s dance recital, they seemed shocked that no one was honored to be presented with an invite. To lift their spirits, it was time for a little detour for some “Mommy Juice” (somebody please buy me that cup someday) which they decided looked enough like iced tea that they could take their cups to the street, Pennsylvania open container laws be damned.


Back at the studio, the Moms were hard at work nailing down their dance the night before the showcase. But where, oh where was Holly? After whipping out the Blackberry on speakerphone (reality TV show staple!) the Moms were horrified to discover that not only was Holly not attending practice, but she wouldn’t even be in the showcase at all! Cathy was appalled because she couldn’t believe all of Holly’s African dance experience was going to go unused (her words, not mine) and she only mildly insulted the other Moms by crying out “but you’re like, the best one here!” What could be keeping Holly from her moment in the sun? Unfortunately her weekend planner was already full, because she would in fact be graduating college… with her doctorate. I would like to go on record as saying this doesn’t change my opinion of her at all because nobody who is intelligent would ever spend that much to have a crazy chain smoker degrade their child and call it teaching. Also, don’t you think it’s weird that Holly pretended like she was going to be in the show all week, and then acted like this graduation suddenly came up? And if your mom was graduating, wouldn’t you be there instead of the stupid showcase that doesn’t even give you the chance to win some sort of trophy? I call BS.


Finally, Cesar the Broadway Casting Agent showed up and shocked all the girls because I guess they’ve never seen a mohawk in the suburbs of Pittsburgh. One by one, the girls failed (even pyramid topper Maddie!) to impress Cesar with their lack of reading comprehension and conversational skills of tiny dancing robots. The moms were feeling the pressure too, I mean it almost seemed like Melissa doubted whether or not she made the right decision continually pulling her girls out of school for dance related activities. Abby says dance is more important than school, so who needs world history?! Can your daughter do a deboulé? Didn’t think so.


My favorite moment of the casting process had to be when Cesar kicked Abby out of her own studio for making the kids too nervous. No, wait, it was when Melissa punished both of her kids for crying. Ah, I take it back, it was when the audition ended and Cesar fled the building like a frightened gay deer. Or was it when Nia wished that her mom had skipped graduation to scream at her for not being good enough in the dressing room with all the other moms? Never mind, there were just too many quality “Dance Mom” moments to choose from. Let’s call the whole thing off.


The whole showcase was pretty boring if you asked me. None of the Moms got drunk and none of the girls cried. Abby was caged in the sound booth and for once nary a word was heard from her. However, in a not at all unplanned twist, Cesar (I don’t know if you know this but he is a casting agent, like from BROADWAY) pulled Maddie and Melissa aside in the least discrete way possible and told her in a stage whisper that she was basically way better than every other girl there. Naturally, Christi was upset because it validated her conspiracy theory that this entire showcase was only a platform to promote the Maddie machine. I don’t know if Christi realizes that the more she talks about it, the more clips are shown of Maddie leaping and twirling at an obviously higher level than her classmates, which is only further promoting her dancing abilities!


Next week, it’s back to inappropriate costumes and afternoon drinking. Thank you, Lifetime, for bringing us this shining beacon of reality tv during an otherwise boring prime time summer hiatus.


~L

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal

This Lovely Bella Notte…Not.

Posted on Aug 5, 2011Written by Lindsay Scouras

2

Ladies and guidos, break out your pickles and tease up your poofs, because everyone’s favorite Seaside posse are back. Let’s recap tonight’s Season 4 premiere, which brought the fist-pumping friends on their first ever Roman Holiday.


We opened with our beloved Snooki, who had to stand on top of the photographer’s lighting case just to make it into her own Passport photo. The rest of the passport photo shoots reminded us all of what we love (and hate maybe?) about our favorite guidos and guidettes. Pauly pretended to DJ his photo session (what exactly is this “international license” he claimed to have?); Deena once again asked an old man if he “liked the boobs” (PLEASE let this girl discover another catchphrase this season); The Situation exhibited his usual amount of douchery (again, let’s remind ourselves that HE IS 30!); J Woww showed of her new and improved… features?; Ronnie tried to convince everyone (including himself) that Single Ronnie was BACK; and Sammi showed us what a world traveler she is because she is apparently the only one that didn’t need a passport. Oh, and she’s over Ron, too. Duh.


One of the highlights for me was when we met Snooki’s latest juicehead, Jionni, who she has been dating for 6 months now, which let’s face it, is longer than she’s ever held onto anything that wasn’t an STD. However I was shocked to find that Jionni was actually quite attractive and that he and Snooki are being filed in my MISMATCHED celebrity couple database. He is gorgeous and she is a Weeble (who later wobbled AND fell down) who helps her pack up her nasty panties with other dudes names on them (although I did laugh out loud, by myself, when she held up her “I <3 Vinny” drawers to the camera behind Jionni’s back).


In what I am anticipating is the only endearing moment this entire season, the boys and the girls each had sleepovers at each other’s family’s houses on the eve of their Italian pilgrimage. This I found to be utterly adorable, as the boys got dirty language lessons from Vinny’s sketchy uncle and the girls ate dinner with Deena’s parents while encouraging her father to be their male stripper, I thought “awww.” After all the years of fighting, smushing, and partying, it seemed like they did come out like a little family at the end.

For now.

After stumbling through their way through the Milan airport and educating us on foreign currency, the boys and the girls separately raced through Italia to be the first to get to the prospective house, because let’s face it- no one wants to be left to room with either Ron or Sam because you know you’re going to end up living with the drunken orange reincarnation of Ike and Tina. Their “castle” ended up having two very long flights of stairs, which I am already dreaming about the night that Snooki has a little too much vino and tumbles off her stripper shoes down the 40 steps. Vinny and Pauly pair up, as do Mike and Ron, which we all know is going to somehow end up with The Situation in a neck brace. Dina bunked with the V and P of MVP, while “Single Sam” stuck with her girls, whom she will likely end up throwing punches with as well. BTW, I’m changing my name to “Married Lindsay.”

Finally, it was their first Italian t-shirt time! But it wasn’t all fun and pre-gaming as Pauly discovered that *gasp* his blowdryer kept shorting out, despite changing the voltage and bringing extra foreign adapters. The fact that someone on this show even knew to do that almost knocked me off my sectional. We learned the seriousness of this issue due to the General Hospital-ish music in the background. Somehow they pulled through, and with much needed voltage advice from Deena, his blowout prevailed.

As the roommates went out for the first time in “the motherland,” they explored a charming square in Florence where it appeared that people on the street were running to get away from them. I mean, did you see the faces of the spectators in the background?! I’ve never seen more people less desperate to be on TV. After discovering that both Deena and Snooki don’t know the difference between a Ferris wheel and a carousel, they headed back to their humble abode for some quality roommate time. Single Ron reminded us why he is single as he continued to get bombed long after his roommates had stopped drinking. If Snooki tells you you’re a “weirdo” for getting drunk by yourself, you may have hit rock bottom.

Finally, Snooki was useful, because she was the only girl who could drive stick. Oh, the irony. But between the foreign GPS and the small streets, they lost the boys and forfeited breakfast and the G of GTL. Rest assured, Snooki has developed a serious workout routine where she essentially looks like she is having sex with herself, as Pauly pointed out.

At last, the crew was finally going “out,” like Karma out, but in Italy, which looked kinda the same as going out on the Shore, except the bar was on fire. Oh and the club going girls weren’t hungry camera whores that were willing to slobber all over Mike to get on camera, so all the guys had to rely on Interpreter Vinny to relay their game to all the bellas. Since none of them seemed to be getting anywhere, The Situation attempted to lay one on Snooki while Deena ordered Pauly to make out with her. Only instead of kissing, it was all lip sucking and tongue humping, piercings and all. And BAM. Episode ends. And then I vomited.

After seeing the scenes for the rest of this upcoming season, I am positively giddy with excitement. Snooki’s car accident, Mike and Ron’s brawl, every one’s butchering of the Italian language.

And now, in honor of this history making television event, I bring you my favorite quotes of the premiere episode:

Deena: In Italy I’m expecting to bring a guy home, but I won’t do sex, you know, maybe just like figure them out? And then do sex later.
Vinny: I don’t know if any of the housemates are going to recognize me with this beard. I’m so much more better looking.
Jenni: Follow my weave!
Snooki: It’s hard for all of us, I mean, we can’t luggage all that sh*t.
Snooki: Is that where I get pesos?
Jenni: I am down a can of bronzer. I only have about 8 cans left, and in my world, that’ll last about 10 days.
Pauly D: The streets are so small and the alleys are so narrow, Ronnie’s not even going to be able to fit through the alleys, he’s gonna have to turn himself sideways.

If I have missed any other memorable quotes, please, enlighten me. I would love to hear everyone’s favorite moments and what you’re looking forward to most this season. Peace out, Gorillas.

~L

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal

Hey Baby, I Don’t Think I Wanna Marry You…

Posted on Jul 12, 2011Written by Lindsay Scouras

0

Sunday night is slowly becoming my fave TV night. There are just so many delicious options to choose from that sometimes I feel like I am living Sophie’s Choice every time I check my DVR. Lately I have been recording Bridezillas, Amsale Girls, The Glee Project, Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Real Housewives of NJ on a weekly basis (but more on some of those later).


Bridezillas has been a favorite of mine for a long time, which should be no surprise at this point. I love weddings and I love watching people that are ridiculous. In 8 seasons, no one has ever topped my number one appointed Bridezilla of all time, Karen from Staten Island, although LaDreina “Chocolate Donut” is a close second (no wonder they edited these two beauties into the same episode!).

This show takes on a whole new meaning for me now. Being that I am 6 months post-nuptial (a moment of silence, please) most wedding shows make me depressed. I’m not exaggerating, I mean literally sad face little tears. I can’t watch Say Yes To the Dress anymore without weeping internally that I will never have Randy ask me “is this your dress??” or knowing that David Tutera is not going to swoop in at the last minute and makeover my winter themed reception (not that I needed it- my wedding was “da bomb” as LaDreina would say, although I never did get that that ice castle).

Bridezillas has the opposite effect, because instead of feeling sad that my wedding is over, I feel awesome that I am not a horrible human being. These bitches are straight up crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I was crazy. I went through periods of crazy, followed by sobbing. But I never hit my fiancee, told a bridesmaid they were too fat for a dress or threw a cake at anyone (if you’ve never watched Bridezillas before, these are all real things that I have witnessed on the show. Stop reading this and get to OnDemand, now!). Sure, I ran out of ink the night before my wedding when I had only printed 25 of 150 programs. I found myself at 3 months until the big day without the photographer I was supposed to have. I even got cut on the arm by one of my bridesmaids at the reception when I changed into my party dress (she was cutting off those hangy things) and almost bled on myself. Despite all those things, I never felt stress to the point of acting like a lunatic and possibly facing jail time. I survived, and everyone else survived, and as far as I’m concerned, I could have been a.lot.worse.

So that is my Bridezilla disclaimer. Now onto the girls:
The first ‘Zilla highlighted was Porsha, who we met last week. Now I do not want to stereotype, and this description comes with a BIG disclaimer that I am not discriminating against her for any reason, but Porsha is one of the more commonly featured Bridezillas. She is a large black woman who is a DI-VA, which we all know now is just a female version of a hustler (thank you, Beyonce). And in case you were wondering, the other breed of Brides normally featured on this program are big-haired, loudmouthed orange girls from Florida, New Jersey or… Staten Island! (Enter, Karen).

Porsha, like so many of the other ‘Zillas before her, has a perfectly nice and normal (and thin) fiance Byron, who she beats into submission on a daily basis. She is also convinced his “baby momma” is going to show up at the wedding to ruin her day. This is also a reoccurring theme on this show, as many of the Brides are SO full of themselves that they think every woman that has ever once dated, looked at or spoken to their future husbands are going to show up and make a scene to “try to ruin their day.” My favorite are the ones that threaten security- “if she think she ‘gon show up to MY weddin, she is goin to be escorted OUT by security.” Please. If you can’t afford real flowers, a DJ or clothes that fit, you most definitely do not have the budget for a security detail.

Aside from her general unpleasant demeanor, Porsha had another bad habit that I personally find disgusting, and I have been known to eat shredded cheese out of the bag as a snack. When she gets stressed, she sucks her thumb. Oh, by the way, she’s 28.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the opening scene featured Porsha trying to squeeze herself into a salon massage chair at the nail salon, as a bridesmaid fed her a fast food burger and while Lois, the poor pedicurist was faced with the daunting task of attempting to saw off the calloused bunions on her feet.

Next we met Gloria from somewhere in Bad Accent, NY. As if being an anxious crybaby wasn’t unappealing enough, Gloria is rocking some very 90’s scrunched hair that you could tell required half a bottle of L.A. Looks. Ironically, later in the episode Gloria claims that her hair is falling out due to wedding stress. Stress, or maybe her hair is jumping ship to get far, far away from the abuse. After meeting her mother however, it wasn’t hard to see that the apple did not fall far from the tacky tree. Gloria’s mom actually declared that no one was going to “take her out of the 70’s,” which kind of didn’t need to said as her hair said it all for her. When Gloria suggested a classier style, her mother scoffed at the idea of a French twist, because she “doesn’t like anything with the word twist in it.” Duh.

I found Gloria to be an all around bore, and maybe her personality would be better featured on a show called Weepzilla, because that is all she did throughout her entire episode. Where was the hair pulling, the forced bridesmaid diet, the bouquet-throwing? I do have to point out my favorite Gloria moment, when she was prodding her mom at the salon to please let one of those nice people attempt to style her witchy Anjelica Houston bangs into something presentable. As her mom continued to refuse their service, Gloria pleaded for her to relent, if only for her special day because (and these words are VERBATIM because I rewound it at least three times to make sure I heard it right), “How many times am I gonna get married?! Okay?! This is my second time.” Thank you Gloria, for being the most forgettable Bridezilla so far this season but also possibly the most insightful.

Back to Porsha! The Divine Miss P was driving around Mississippi in her car prank calling Byron’s friends to find out details about his supposed sordid bachelor party. She thought she was real smart calling one of his boys and pretending to be a dude inquiring about the soiree’s location. She squealed with delight that said boy was so dumb he couldn’t tell by her voice that she was a man or a woman. Uh, Porsha, I’m LOOKING at you and I’m still not totally convinced either way.

Porsha’s main concern of course, was Byron’s bachelorette party. Per usual demand by a Bridezilla, there were to be NO STRIPPERS entertaining the gentleman. In an odd twist of double standards, Porsha shows up to her own bachelorette party with her good hair on and a dress that looks like it was fashioned out of 20 irregular satin scarves (which sadly, still was not enough coverage) expecting to see “12 inches of you know what” all up her face. Direct quote. Said party was held in a “club” that looked like it was fashioned out of a tin can and I’m pretty sure was just in someone’s back yard, because all of the beverages appeared to be served in Dixie cups.

Porsha then headed to the VIP room, which the Bridezilla voice over lady points out is most likely the attic (always the voice of reason), and suddenly the once outlandish Porsha is nervous and demure. “I’m not ready!” she declares under her breath, which I found hard to believe because she seemed prepared with a stack of $1 bills. Suddenly a very large oiled up man enters the room with what appears to be his pants halfway down his thighs (it was hard to tell with all the pixelation). I would like to take this moment to point out that in all my years of watching this show, this is the first time that I’ve ever seen an episode prefaced with a disclaimer warning the audience of “sexual situations.” If you really need to see what happens next, I’m sure you can find the replay of this episode at least 30 more times this week on WE, but I’m warning you- please do so on an empty stomach.

Finally it was time for Porsha’s “wedding of the century.” The girls showed up for the ever necessary second rehearsal (?) at the “venue.” I apologize for the sheer amount of quotation marks in this post, but using the word venue to describe Porsha’s wedding location gives a bad name to all reception sites that ever were or will be. The only way I can describe it is a makeshift auditorium, complete with concrete floors, folding chairs, and those collapsable wood benches that you see shoved to the side in a high school gym when there isn’t a basketball game going on.

Sigh. I miss Porsha already. Next week it’s more Gloria (yawn) and some broad named Tricia who is apparently having a “Bro’s and Ho’s” themed wedding. I’m not quite sure what that is, but it sounds awesome…ly bad. And anyone that knows me knows I love a good theme.

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal

Teenage Nightmare Part II… Now Baby, I Believe!

Posted on Jul 7, 2011Written by Lindsay Scouras

0

I know what some of you are thinking. “Lindsay, you started a blog over a year ago and wrote a total of three entries. You all of a sudden decided to post again, and you did it about a crappy MTV reality show that is ruining our society. Not only did you blog about said show, but you half blogged as you didn’t even discuss 3 of the 4 personalities. Now you’re probably going take off once again and leave us hanging about your true feelings about Maci, Catelynn and Amber, and how will we ever go on?”


I cannot disagree with that scenario being a possibility. Given my inconsistent history with this blog, I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking any of these things. All I can say is that this time, I’m going to be better. It is so much harder to write than I remember when you don’t have a deadline looming over your head. So please, stick with me. It’s going to be a little rough at first, after all, it is summer, which is not television’s forte. But we’re going to get through this, and come fall (and award show season- weeeee!) we will practically be besties.

So back to the Moms. I’ve always thought of Maci as the fan favorite (and unfortunately so do these people), not only because she smartened up and finally broke off what was obviously a terrible relationship, but because baby Bentley is just so damn cute! Despite falling for a tool and getting knocked up before she got her driver’s license, Maci seems to have come out a better person in the end- she works, goes to school and raises her child, which most of the other girls that we’ve seen come and go through this series can barely seem to do one of those things. However Maci can’t get all the credit, as she seems to be the only cast member that has the emotional (and obviously financial- how else could she afford her pimped out Celica and all those tattoos?!) support of both her parents, as does baby daddy Ryan, although he appears to be much more of a freeloader (on unemployment for a year at age 19?).

Any of us that watch Teen Mom most likely read US Weekly as well (sorry to typecast there, but let’s be real), where we discovered that despite Maci and her boyfriend Kyle’s breakup at the end of Season 2, they are now back together and like, stronger than ever! So now that Kyle is back in the picture, will he and Ryan ever actually meet?

It doesn’t seem like Ryan and Kyle will be racing ATV’s (or whatever the hell Ryan does all day) anytime soon, as Maci’s Season 3 story began with yet another pass off of Bentley to Ryan for his allotted visitation (point for Maci- one of the only girls that has actually figured out a custody agreement!). As they exchanged uncomfortable small talk, Ryan let Maci know that he actually had a very serious question to ask her that he had to know the answer too. Not important enough to ask the question aloud, mind you. So what is Maci’s tactic to solve this conundrum? While sitting in front of him in his garage, she tells Ryan to text the question to her (minus 3 points for Maci).

As if witnessing this exchange between these two former lovebirds wasn’t awkward enough, MTV finally exposed the elephant in the room when they zoomed in on Ryan’s text on Maci’s phone. “Is Kyle slow?”

A moment of honesty: there has been more than one occasion in which I have asked the same question of doofy Kyle. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a sweet guy, but I never felt that there was a very bright light in the attic up there. I always chocked it up to the fact that he was sort of big and bumbly and Southern.

Regardless of whether or not Ryan and his friends were mocking Kyle in privacy for his presumed disabilities, it’s not like Ryan is a Rhodes scholar himself. At least Kyle actually made it to college!

Maci acted like she was horribly offended by what Ryan was insinuating, but I have to think that this wasn’t the first time that Maci has ever been asked that, at least to her face. I mean, I was raised right, so I speculate behind people’s backs. Of course, Maci dealt with this the best way she knew how- by forwarding the text to Kyle just in case the knife needed to be twisted a little more (because let’s face it- he would have eventually seen it on TV). Minus 2 points, Maci. Kyle is practically Bentley’s stepfather already, and if she ever wants her boyfriend and baby daddy to meet, maybe it wasn’t the best idea for her to share Ryan’s little ponderings with him.

My absolute favorite part of Maci’s appearance in this episode was courtesy of the Voice of Reason, Keelie, who despite her stupidly spelled name actually contributed the most insightful perspective I think I’ve ever seen on this series. As the girls did lunch (ahem, money, anyone?! Single Teen Moms aren’t supposed to be able to afford lunch at adorable Southern cafes everyday!) and Maci pecked away at her caesar salad (have you ever seen this girl eat like an actual sandwich?), she exhaled slowly and exclaimed, “why is my life so hard?” Without missing so much as a beat, Keelie fired back, “because you had unprotected sex!” 100 points for Keelie, although if she makes any more appearances on TM I will be petitioning for a name change to help validate her role as the brains behind this whole operation.

To make matters worse for Maci, who in comparison to Ryan normally comes out smelling like a rose, the child support that she assumed Ryan wasn’t paying turned out to be nothing more than a technical glitch from the bank. You could just tell the satisfaction she got out of calling the child support people and hearing that if she reported him, he could possibly go to jail. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

To be honest, I’m still rooting for Maci and slow Kyle, as long as she keeps it real and puts Bentley first, which seems really difficult when you have to pay for hair bleaching and acrylic nails. Seriously, have you ever noticed how much the girls on these shows have iPhones, fake nails and tattoos? I have one of those three things (I’ll give you wild guess as to which one) and let me tell you, it ain’t cheap. So I have a really hard time listening to Maci complain about her child support when her turquoise contacts and ear gauges are staring back at me. Be careful, Maci. Don’t let your story be another cautionary tale- girl meets boy, girl falls in love, girl let’s boy impregnate her in the back of a pickup truck after the homecoming dance, boy is forced to propose to girl, girl discovers boy is a deadbeat, girl gets reality show, boy acts like a moron, girl meets new boy, girl falls in love all over again, girl is on covers of tabloid rags, girl gets moderately famous, girls hangs out with Snooki and Co… you get where this is going.

Whew! Another one in the bag. But we still have 2 Moms to go! No rest for the weary I guess. I promise that future recaps will not be so long, that is, unless Amber starts punching people again.

Let’s meet again tomorrow, shall we?

~L

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal

You Make Me Feel Like I’m Living A Teenage Nightmare

Posted on Jul 6, 2011Written by Lindsay Scouras

0

As much as it kills me to admit this as an (almost) 26 year old, college educated and relatively intelligent woman, I am a little obsessed with 16 and Pregnant and downright possessed by it’s illegitimate spawn, Teen Mom.


I know that MTV has served us heaping piles of crap over the years like Next, Dismissed, Boiling Point and My Super Sweet Sixteen (there are so many more quality-free titles I could mention, but we’d be here all night). But for as many shows that they have produced that have made politicians and parents alike fret over the youth of America heading deeper into a downward spiral, there have been a few that have made a severe impact on pop culture (Jersey Shore, anyone?) and even stood to educate us a little bit about our fellow man in ways we did not think possible by the same network that brought us Beavis and Butthead.


Although there have been significant less successes than failures as far as informing teenagers and young adults about topics outside of video making and spring breaking, programs like True Life and the original seasons of Real World actually let people witness worlds they would never have encountered otherwise.


So that was my brief history of my feelings towards MTV. Now, let’s get to the moms.

I have to admit I was a little behind on the 16&P Express. I didn’t start watching until halfway through the first season, and despite MTV’s affinity for reruns and life-sucking marathons, I still to this day have not seen Farrah or Catelynn’s original episodes that began their stories that I am now so enamored with.

Like Jersey Shore, my initial fascination was that I had virtually nothing in common with these people. Nobody wants to watch themselves on TV (well, except maybe anyone on an MTV reality show, but that is besides the point). I’m guessing the Nielsen Ratings for a show about an awkward theater geek with an unbalanced haircut (that she referred to as “layers”) and scoliosis would be slim to none. At the age that these girls were letting high school boys get to third base and eventually sliding into home (ew) I hadn’t even had my first kiss. So needless to say, there is something almost gratifying about watching this show and knowing I will never be one of those girls with a bastard child now that I am a married lady (I apologize for both the use of “bastard child” and “married lady.” Clearly we can see why there was never a risk of me being 16 and Pregnant).

While I always enjoy program that raise my self esteem while lowering my IQ, the first season of the 16&P spinoff Teen Mom fascinated me because of an element that is lacking from most reality shows- you got to see these girls beyond their 60 minute special that you thought was going to be a one time deal. I always wondered if those hoarders on Mission Organization went back to living in what appeared to be a landfill, or if the women on What Not To Wear couldn’t stay away from velour track suits and scrunchies. With Teen Mom, so many burning questions about the status of Farrah, Maci, Catelynn and Amber were answered, while ironically, the other few girls featured on the first season of 16&P were never heard from again.

Tonight I returned from my annual Fourth of July trek to Portland, giddy with delight knowing that at home there was a.) no husband to hog TV and b.) a brand new hour of the Season 3 premiere of Teen Mom. After showering off layers of SPF 55, sand, and margarita salt, I snuggled up on my sectional where I could choose WHICHEVER SECTION TO SIT ON THAT I WANTED and prepared to enjoy one of many on my growing list of guilty pleasures (I’m convinced at this point that my list of guilty pleasures is starting to outweigh just regular, un-embarrassing pleasures).

I don’t know if anyone else shares my sentiment here, but I was so thoroughly disappointed in the current status of the Moms that I almost cried in my favorite guilty pleasure snack- half a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese.

Let’s start with Farrah, the biggest disaster of all, which is saying a lot considering that she shares a show with Amber (who we will get to in a bit). Farrah began her segment by once again reminding us of her deceased baby daddy and some footage of adorable Sofia looking forlorn and reminding me of that baby bird in “Are You My Mother?” We find out that Farrah has been very busy during the hiatus, as she is working, going to culinary school, “modeling,” and oh yeah, raising her baby which she apparently just realized was a full time job.

One may have started to feel bad for Farrah after she recapped her frayed relationship with her parents and her inability to find closure for Sofia’s dad and the fact that he would never know his daughter. I almost felt a twinge in my cold reality tv heart, until Farrah also informed us that the latest conundrum is her already stressful life was that she was struggling with whether or not to get a boob job, and even more difficult- how to pay for it! What’s a girl to do? Don’t you hate it when you accidentally get pregnant as a teenager and then your boobs get all weird and then you like can’t afford to get them fixed because that baby thing is always crying and you have to spend all your boob money on like, jars of strained peas and stuff? Ugh, that is the worst.

In what appears to be a result of heavy sedation (seriously, the droopiness has to go), Farrah’s mother only slightly disagreed with her decision, but not enough to raise her voice or show any emotion about it. And didn’t you feel like she got some sort of satisfaction about asking Farrah to draw up that will “just in case?” There was a slight twinkle in her eye when she mentioned that something could happen to Farrah while going under the knife and Sofia would finally be hers, just like she basically was all along!

After listening to three people reject Farrah for her “breast augmentation loan,” which I was horrified to hear was a category on the menu for the automated phone service she was trying to get through to, someone (cough, cough MTV) deemed her a viable candidate for the extra cash that she claimed wasn’t being taken away from her baby to finally fix those terrible ta tas she been carrying around for these past 2 years. Whew. Crisis averted. Not only would Farrah finally feel good about herself, but this could also help her “modeling” career, which is really an investment in her and Sofia’s future anyway, so if you think about it, this was like the best idea ever! Oh and by the way, she can’t walk, carry or feed her baby while she’s recovering so someone better check Michael’s schedule and make sure he is wide open.

After her loving father (I mean Michael!) picked her up and attempted to carry her into her bed and load her up with frozen vegetables and whatever a “hot pad” is (I’m guessing it’s a heating pad, but c’mon), Sofia was only minorly abandoned in this episode as Michael left her at the bottom of the stairs and commanded her to “stay!” Well-trained, Sofia. The kid has already burned herself with hot water and fallen off a queen-sized bed so she’s pretty much learned her lesson than to let one of these winners in the Abraham family take care of her. Next week, she will have learned to change her own diaper and is going to be working on her learner’s permit.

I really just can’t believe after all we’ve been through with Farrah that she actually went through with the operation. Although I have always found her to be the most self-absorbed of the Moms, I sort of thought we made progress with the therapy sessions and the family drama to the point that she had the potential for being a real person. Instead, I am just more convinced than ever that people should be required to pass some sort of test before they procreate.

I think that’s enough brain cell killing for now. I’m going to sleep and reboot. Tomorrow? Watch out, Bookout. It’s all about Miss Maci… of course, Beehhhnt-laaaaay.

Stay Scandalous!

~L

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal

You Want a Piece of Glee: Possible Britney Episode of the Hit Fox Musical

Posted on Apr 26, 2010Written by Lindsay Scouras

0

Recently, Britney Spears’ manager (is that the guy that is also her boyfriend, or is this another one of her people/handlers/babysitters?) asked fans via Twitter if they would like to see an entire episode of Glee devoted to the musical styling of our beloved pop princess. Immediately, the topic #BritneySpearsGlee gained the kind of momentum that is usually reserved for… well, an episode of Glee itself.

After watching the “Power of Madonna” episode, I have to admit that the thought of all the Gleeks performing a rousing cover of Baby One More Time instantly entered my mind (it would be totally perfect- you know how they love singing and dancing down the hallway, plus Rachel Barry has enough plaid mini skirts to outfit the entire cast). I think Britney seems like a good choice because like Madonna, Brit’s catalogue of music is pretty extensive and she has some memorable performances that are just begging to be recreated (four words= Kurt. Sequined. Nude. Bodysuit.)

But the more I thought about, the more that it seemed like this could possibly be a Jump the Shark situation. Glee opened the second half of the season with an episode devoted just the word “hello,” then aired the Power of Madonna, and details about an upcoming Lady Gaga show are slowly being released (Idina Menzel and Lea Michele singing an acoustic version of Poker Face? Chris Colfer performing in 10 inch silver heels to Bad Romance?). It just makes me a little apprehensive about the future of our beloved Glee. How many more themed episodes can they do before she show turns into an American Idol rip off?

Other than the fact that AI has somehow exhausted through the talent pool in this country, which is extremely apparent this year, as it seems vocal talent was left off the “required skills” list; one of the things I find most irritating about this show (other than the fact this it’s responsible for the tumor that is Ryan Seacrest) is the obscene amount of theme nights. Once they got to “Songs of the 1940’s,” I was two steps out the door.

Glee creator Ryan Murphy has also recently said that he would like to do other “tribute” episodes, such as Led Zeppelin and Courtney Love. Really?! Courtney Love? I can’t name one Courtney Love song, let alone enough for an entire episode.

I also have a problem with Britney’s manager trying to gain momentum for this proposal via Twitter. I know that Twitter is now a thread woven into the fabric of our everyday lives, but since when are we able to control the future of our television shows because we tweeted that we want to see Emma perform “Toxic” in an inspiring musical number where she confronts her O.C.D.? No one should be surprised that people responded favorably to his post. Can we take a moment to asks ourselves who are the people that are following Britney’s manager on Twitter? The same people that make videos of themselves crying off their eyeliner under a sheet, defending her life choices while professing their unconditional love.

Listen, I love Glee, and when she’s showered, medicated and auto-tuned I love me some Britney too. I just am weary for the future of both of these pop culture gems. They’re both in fragile states- Glee, as popular as it is, it’s the television equivalent of a fetus, and it’s only begun its second trimester. And Britney- poor girl managed to put on a world tour but still can’t remember to put on a bra when she hits up Starbucks. She could crack at any moment, and I would hate for Glee theme week overkill to knock her off the wagon.

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal

The Big (Pre)Show

Posted on Feb 23, 2009Written by Lindsay Scouras

0

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Just like popping champagne on New Years marks the end of the holiday season (and the beginning of so much more), the Academy Awards are the ultimate culmination of the best of the best. So much preparation, talent and craft go into this one day, where careers can begin and end in the matter of an evening. Oh you thought I was talking about the films?

Hells no! This is all about the duds. How many people have actually seen more than one best picture nominee prior to the Oscars?

That’s not why we tune in! It’s all about the glitz, the glamour. So without further ado, here are the winners…and the losers. According to me. Because before those envelopes are opened, I am the Academy.

Miley Cyrus: Wrong again! It’s like the only thing she knows how to do is be age-inappropriate. From her boyfriends to her ensembles, this girl is living well beyond her 16 years. That dress would have worked so much better on a Penelope Cruz/Cameron Diaz. Someone older, taller and uh, classier?!

Vanessa Hudgens: Now anyone who knows me knows that I do not live in fear of feathers (a favorite headband accessory). But that dress looks like Big Bird’s evil twin after it got caught in shredder. Oh, and can you get your boyfriend to trim off the scraggles on the back of his hair? I’m all for the slicked back look for a formal evening, but it’s all about maintenance. Even you, boys.

Amy Adams: Ooo. Red on Red? Statement necklaces are all the rage, but this is too much. I swear, from far away, that top gave off a flannel look. Oh Amy. Tsk tsk. Last I checked, the LL Bean catalogue doesn’t carry formal wear.

Jennifer Grey: Who gives a crap about Jennifer Grey? It’s 2009.

Freida Pinto: So close to getting it right! The fit of her dress is perfection (definite improvement from the mustard thing at the Globes), but I think my great aunt wants her curtains back. And her her hair style. Glad to see a color other than black, though. Her face is so beautiful it almost makes up for the whole thing. Almost.

Melissa Leo: When did it become okay to match your dress to your hair color? Amy Adams- I’m talking to you too. One other thing- who the hell is Melissa Leo?

Taraji P. Henson: Love, love, love the necklace. I’m seeing stars- literally. The dress is okay. We’ve seen her in white already, yawn. I never liked the layered gown look. I swear I was the only person that wasn’t a fan of the champagne mess that Penelope Cruz wore a few years back, but it just reminds me of fish scales. Also, note to self- when pulling up dress on the red carpet, you should never go so high that we see your Spanx.

Heidi Klum: I know that we’re going green, but did she have to recycle her dress from last year? Did she leave her high-neck Galliano gown on the bottom of what I can imagine is a fabulous closet? Ugh and the coral jewelry? Ick ick ick. Also. flat hair is never fabulous. *Brownie points for supporting the Red Dress campaign.

Viola Davis: Can Reem Acra dress everyone for every awards show all season? Every dress is different and every dress is gorgeous. Davis’ makeup is flawless. This is what Beyonce should aspire to look like a award shows.

Marisa Tomei: Finally a good dress! But girl needs to accessorize with a sandwich. She looks like she’s been furiously chugging cayenne pepper and maple syrup between the Globes and now. Love the geometric dress- very LeAnn from Project Runway.

Amanda Seyfriend: Hair- fabulous. Very Veronica Lake. But why, oh why did you deprive some high school theatre department of that 80’s prom gown?

Sarah Jessica Parker: GORG GORG GORG! She floats. Perfection from top to bottom. Miley Cyrus wishes she even a sliver of a younger version of you. Now what can we do about your date?

Anne Hathaway: I am a sucker for a gorgeous hair pin. But even though it shimmers and sparkles (always a great accessory for a girl) I’m still yawning a little. Definitely lacking in the shape department. Let’s hoist the girls, shall we?

Melissa George: Not sure why you’re there. Last I checked, getting booted from Grey’s wasn’t any reason to be invited to the Academy freaking Awards, but one word: hairspray. A wispy on the red carpet?! For shame.

Robert Downey Jr: Um did someone just get a chemical peel? A little nip and or tuck? Seriously, if that’s what a life of hard partying and multiple trips to the slammer will get you, well then I confess. It was me that tried to illegally videotape Sex and the City! Lock me up, please!

Natalie Portman: Who did her makeup, the Olly Girls? Let’s take the Mystic down a notch. But finally, a glimmer of hope! A pink appearance on the red carpet. My heart flutters.

Beyonce: It’s time to get a lock on that closet, Miss Ross.

Mickey Rourke: I don’t care what everyone says. Just because you’re Mickey Rourke doesn’t mean you can get away with this stuff. Maybe at any other award show, but show some respect! This is the Academy.

Jessica Biel: Get off the phone and brush your hair.

Meryl Streep: Neck up- gorgeous! Her hair has never looked better. But the color of her dress? Foccacta. Boring.

Evan Rachel Wood: The shocking red hair has to go. The curl in the front is pretty, but that bun needs a heaping help of extensions. And you’re no Angelina- I don’t want to see your
tattoos in your evening gown.

Angelina Jolie: Finally! I knew there was a movie star in there somewhere. Am I disappointed in the black? A little. But at least she has ferosh hair. And a smile!

Penelope Cruz: Bangs. No.

Marion Cotillard: I already forgot who you were, but unfortunately, I can’t get that sequined mess out of my head. Please go away.

Kate Winslet: Hair is perfection. The dress looks amazing on her, but I was really hoping that she would wear something other than black or blue tonight. So of course, she wears both! But hey, it’s all about the fit. If I look half that good in ten years, I’ll take it.

Whew! What a night- and it’s only 9 pm.

Published under: ... at Celebrity Scandal