Category Archives: … at Celebrity Scandal
Sometimes, the gods just smile upon you and deliver you a story that makes the clouds part and the heavens open up and you just bask in the perfectness of it all. And sometimes, you’re even home sick so that when you hear such news, you are in the perfect position to comment on said story as soon as possible.
SNOOKI IS PREGNANT.
Okay, so the be clear, I’m still not 100% confirmed on this. I first heard wind of this story this morning on my daily visit to Suri’s Burn Book (which, if you haven’t checked it out is an amazing blog that I’m so bitter I didn’t think of first). But it said it was on Page Six, so I was like, eh, nothing to get excited over. Then this afternoon, I was dozing off after catching up on my DVR RHOC & PR All Stars (if you don’t understand all those acronyms, we probably shouldn’t be friends) and was awoken by a text from Alisa stating:
Snooki is pregnant. The world is ending. Totally legit- it’s on people.com.
It was as if I had just chugged three Red Bulls and chased them with a Four Loko. Instantly I was scouring the Internet, looking for clues if it was true. Nothing on Perez, Us Weekly or Entertainment Weekly. But low and behold, there is was on People.com, but only quoting an article from the NY Post. And it wasn’t even the top story! The order went like this:
– George Clooney doesn’t care if people think he’s gay (probably because he’s always banging hot chicks)
– Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck name their son (Samuel, little surprised they didn’t go for Matt Damon Affleck)
– Something about Revenge (I KNOW! I’m the only person IN THE WORLD that doesn’t watch it, stop judging me)
– Davy Jones died (wow- only number 4?! that suuuuucks)
– Elizabeth Olsen dating Alexander Skakaaaarrssgaaard (who cares)
– Jennifer Lopez nipples (again?)
– THEN Snooki!
So that made me think that it also might not be true yet. Also, I follow Snooki on Twitter (again, judge free zone, please) and there has been no mention of said meatball baby, and this chick has a hard time keeping stuff to herself. They’re saying she’s three months along, but she was on GMA on February 2 saying that she is absolutely not pregnant, and people don’t ever lie on TV so clearly she’s telling the truth (I’m looking at you, Tori Spelling).
So whether or not this is true, I just had to imagine all the possibilities as if this was actually happening. First of all, WTF? Thanks universe, for allowing the one person to procreate that has single-handedly contributed to the downfall of society.
I’m just kidding. My life would be incomplete without Jersey Shore.
But seriously, what does this mean for a one Nicole Polizzi? First of all, she’s a moron. And morons and babies don’t mix. However, there are lots of stupid people in the world and clearly plenty of babies, so somehow they have managed to survive. Second, she is famous for getting drunk and falling down and just generally being a hot mess. She’s only 25, she could definitely have milked that for at least a few more years (as she was planning on doing with her spinoff with J Woww). Thinking about Snooki being the way she is and saying the things she says… it’s just kind of sad if you think that another person has to rely on her for anything, especially nutrition or emotional stability.
At the same time though, this could be a freaking GOLD MINE for her. I’m picture a whole new kind of spinoff. Decorating a nursery with only the finest leopard and zebra print. Deena and J Woww trying to throw a baby shower. Mike weaseling his way into the baptism just so he can be referred to as “The Godfather.” There are so many places that this could go.
And how awesome would it be if that kid was actually Vinny’s?!
The Academy Awards are so huge, it clearly warrants two posts. You can read my original Oscar wrap up here. But we’re here to talk about something more important that who won what or who shamelessly flashed their right leg. That’s right, it’s time for… FASHION! Prepare yourself.
As usual, I found myself either underwhelmed or perplexed by the majority of the gowns. Every award show basically is leading up to this point, and you have to save the best for last. I get that you want to dress to impress, but I still don’t understand why anyone would choose to wear something boring or weird to such a prestigious show.
That being said, these were my absolute favorites:
l to r: michelle williams, tina fey, milla jovovich, emma stone
These four ladies to me personified what the evening is all about. The all look classy and respectful without being too safe. Each of them took some sort of fabulous risk in their own way. I am normally not the biggest fan of Michelle Williams (unless you count her days as Jen on Dawson’s Creek) because I think she dresses like a 90 year old, but I absolutely loved this Louis Vuitton coral number. I am always so annoyed that more stars don’t go for color, and to me, anything in the red family will never be out of style for an award show. Also, clearly she got the memo about peplum, which I’ve been seeing all over the blogosphere lately as the next big thing. The only thing I do not adore about this look is the pink clutch. I just don’t get it. TIna Fey also got the memo about the peplum trend. While her dress itself is a little plain, I think it’s a big step for her not to wear black, and I practically got up and applauded when I saw her working this high bun. High buns are my favorite. I’m also still confused why Milla Jovovich is at the Oscars, but she looked so damn good I’m willing to ignore the fact that she was in a bunch of sci fi movies that I don’t care about. To me, her entire ensemble is the epitome of what an Academy Awards look should be. When you think “Oscar,” you think Hollywood glamour, and what better way to honor that than with a throwback to old Hollywood? The hair and makeup is perfection, and her gown sparkles just enough that she doesn’t look like a Vegas showgirl. It probably also helps that she used to be a model and knows how to pose like a pro. And last but not least, Emma Stone, who I think the entire world fell a little more in love with last night. I appreciate her wearing red, especially with her hair color. I love the large neck bow because I think you need to be a little dramatic with at least one thing you’re wearing at a time. A lot of people are criticizing her for wearing something so similar to Nicole Kidman a few years back, but I love it and I think she looks a zillion times better than Nicole ever did. Especially since she can still move her forehead.
l to r: berenice bejo, missi pyle, kelly ripa
Another trend that has been predicted to take off is the color mint. There were a few variations of mint on the carpet, and I can’t decide if I love any of them yet. I hate Berenice Bejo’s gown with the color of her hair. That is just a clashfest I can’t look past. I think Missi Pyle actually looks really good, but I her droopy shoulder makes me sad. One shoulder was also a huge trend on the red carpet, but if you’re going to do it, I think it should be deliberate. It just looks like it wasn’t tight enough and fell down. But a fun fact: her dress is eco-friendly. I don’t remember exactly how- once she started talking about organic silkworms she sort of lost me, but cool concept. Kelly Ripa looked cute because she is perpetually adorable, but the double bands around the waist didn’t do anything for me. I think it breaks up an otherwise very clean and classy dress. It reminds me of something that Tim Gunn would see on Project Runway before going into a speech about the importance of editing.
l to r: meryl streep, jennifer lopez, stacy kiebler
I am half okay, half not okay with what Meryl Streep is wearing. I think the color and texture of the dress are amazing, and it’s like, you’re going to the Oscars- why not dress up like the freaking statue?! I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same thing. But I think there are too many folds and draping going on. I do like the sleeves on her, and it’s a much better alternative compared to almost everything she has worn this season, but I think she needs a little bit of structure. It just looks like the fabric is melting off her, and I’m afraid if a strong gust of wind came along her dress would unravel and we would end up seeing her Iron Lady. Jennifer Lopez… well. I just don’t know. Clearly she is gorgeous and her hair is AMAZING, but come on. She wears a different variation of this dress all the time. Also, I’m tired of almost seeing one of her boobs. Her stylist claims they made it impossible for her to have a wardrobe malfunction, but I maintain that when she was on stage I could see the makings of a nipple peeking out of that dress. When she wore that green dress to the Grammys all those years ago and everyone freaked out, that was daring. Now I’m just like listen, go home, put Max and Emme to bed and COVER UP A LITTLE BIT. We’ve seen this schtick before. Stacy Kiebler was the lucky girl chosen to hang on George Clooney’s arm, and like all the others before her, suddenly she has become some kind of fashionista. Again, I think the color of this dress is totally appropriate if her goal was to look like a statue. And of course, her waist is teeny tiny so she can wear anything. But I absolutely HATE that rosette on her hip. Why do skinny girls keep doing this to themselves? It’s like that one extra hip that Natalie Portman had at the Golden Globes. Like, did she look in the mirror and say, “hmm, this looks really good on me, but don’t you think it would look even better if I added a little bulk around my hips?” NO WOMAN SAYS THAT. EVER. I guess it doesn’t really matter, because a week from now she’ll disappear and we will never hear her name again.
l to r: octavia spencer, viola davis, jessica chastain, penelope cruz
I feel like at every award show there are always at least a few dresses that I just don’t care about. Or maybe I might care, but I’m not sure. I just can’t make the commitment to say, “yes, I like this.” Octavia Spencer was a shoe in for her Best Supporting Actress award, so clearly it was important to wow because she knew she would be photographed everywhere. But I wasn’t wowed by this, mainly because I felt the color and cut were too similar to what she wore to the SAG awards. This is not a bad dress by any means, but I was just kind of bored with it. Viola Davis definitely wasn’t boring in her GREEN dress, which I appreciate, because again, color, but if she was going to go with a gown this strong in color, couldn’t she have done something about her hair? I’m not dissing her by any means for going au natural and arriving sans wig (which I never knew she wore), but the coppery color of her cropped ‘do makes her look a little like a leprechaun. Also between the boobs and the ruffles at the bottom, I felt like I didn’t know quite where I was supposed to look. When I saw Jessica Chastain, I immediately thought that was a Versace black and gold number and could even see Donatella wearing that in my head (okay, Maya Rudolph as Donatella, but whatever), but I was surprised to find out it was Alexander McQueen. I think I might like it but I also think it looks like she’s wearing one of Donald Trumps curtains. And Penelope Cruz surprised me that she was even there, because I have to admit I really never wanted to see her on the red carpet again after she showed up last year in that Charo number. I think she looks pretty, definitely old glamour, but a little stuffy for her. I think something need to be loosened up a bit.
l to r: giuliana rancic, nancy o’dell, louise roe, maria menounos
How would we know anything about these looks if these ladies weren’t asking the tough questions, like, “who are you wearing?” I personally love Giuliana Rancic, mainly because I want her to be my friend and then elect me someday to take over her job, and also because we are scoliosis twins (did you know she also has a rod in her back from surgery when she was a teen? TWINSIES!). She was originally wearing a similar dress during the pre pre pre show but it had these weird lines going up and down that looked like they were made out of zippers and pointing right at her boobs. I much preferred this number, although it was a little pageanty, I thought it looked like her shoulders were channeling the White Swan which I sort of loved. I wish her hair was slightly less severe, because she’s very thin and angular already, and I wanted a little more volume to soften her up a bit. Nancy O’Dell’s dress kind of hurts my eyes. I think I would love it if that black lace thing wasn’t at the top, because that yellow is something fierce. The top is just ugh, it’s like a grandma and a flamenco dancer all rolled into one. Louise Roe is British, which might explain the school marm feel of these sleeves, but I thought the origami pleats were amazing. Also, she seems like one of very few people that can pull off this kind of dull pink without looking like a pile of Silly Putty. Maria Menounos is rocking that kind of minty color again, but I’m so distracted by the amount of pleats I feel like I sort of can’t see her anymore. The hair is good though, very good.
l to r: gwyneth palthrow, cameron diaz, shailene woodley, natalie portman
Ugh, Gwyneth Palthrow. Why does she have to ruin perfectly good outfits? I know that capes are in this year, but whatever is hanging off the back of her shoulders is not okay, which is terrible because she looks amazing otherwise. Oh wait, never mind. I just noticed her hair. A ponytail?! You choose to wear a ponytail, and not even a good ponytail like what Reese had last year, but a ponytail that is half way down your back like it just fell out a little more with every step you took. I don’t exactly know why, but I hate what Cameron Diaz is wearing. She once wore one of my all time favorite award show gowns and then she shows up looking like this? I am just not following. Shailene Woodley has established by now that while she is a very talented young actress, she cannot dress herself. This dress looks like it was made for a woman 50 years her senior. If she wore her bun on the sides she would have looked like Princess Leia. SHE’S TWENTY. Also, once she started talking to Ryan Seacrest about becoming an “herbalist,” she totally lost me. Natalie Portman physically looked stunning. I thought her hair, makeup, jewels- everything was working for her. But let’s be real. You wore polka dots to the Oscars. This is not a Bat Mitzvah, or even a Sweet 16. It just seemed so inappropriate to me.
l to r: wendy mclendon-covey, rose byrne, melissa mccarthy, ellie kemper, kristen wiig, maya rudolph
The cast of Bridesmaids seems like a group of chicks that you want to hang out with. Do I want to raid any of their closets? Eh, not so much. I thought that Wendy McLendon-Covey looked like she was going to a prom, Rose Byrne needed a sandwich, Melissa McCarthy looked like the rust that forms around your shower drain, Ellie Kemper was channeling Katniss as the “girl who was on fire” (but wouldn’t actually survive in the Hunger Games with her bangs hanging in her face like that), and Kristen Wiig once again wore that paper bag color that does the opposite of match her personality. The only one I really liked was Maya Rudolph. I thought the purple was unexpected as no one else was really wearing that color, and she sparkled in all the right places. And who would have guessed that she was styled by none other than Brad Goreski?!
l to r: angelina jolie, rooney mara
Weird. I didn’t think anyone from Twilight was going to be invited this year.
Finally, we’re here.
It’s my favorite time of the year. It’s like the excitement of my birthday and Christmas all rolled up into a nice little package with a big bow on it. It’s like the Superbowl for women and gays worldwide.
Of course, I could only be talking about the Oscars.
I have been a fan of award shows for a long time now, probably since I was in early high school or so. I don’t think I became obsessed with them though until I was in college, and I’m pretty sure there’s 2 reasons for that:
1. Reese Witherspoon winning for Walk the Line
2. The invention of Facebook
After that, I was hooked. For life. While I find myself generally enamored with all things awards, the Oscars clearly are the biggest and most extravagant of them all, giving a whole new level of excitement to my usual daily celebrity infatuation. However, as much as I love this show, I only really enjoy it if I’m watching it by myself. I have been asked for years why I haven’t ever had an Oscar party, and the truth is that while I like a good theme, I love the freedom to watch the show as selfishly as possible. Also I need absolute concentration in order to keep up my barrage of Facebook/Twitter updates.
I’ve been prepping for this all week. From organizing the pool at work to giving myself a glitzy mani in honor of the occasion, I was beyond ready when 8:30 EST rolled around.
i’d like to thank the academy… and opi
I even put on my very best casual wear. I mean, how hypocritical can you be to watch the most fashionable night of the year in ordinary sweats?
this shirt says “i’m fancy but comfortable”
My husband now finally understands the magnitude of such an occasion that he even made me an Oscar-worthy dinner. Suck on that, Wolfgang.
also he let me eat on the couch. now that’s love.
Of course I started with the E! preshow around 2:00, suffering through such time fillers as an undergarment fashion show, a parading of Hollywood’s “It” animal actors and Photoshopping actor’s heads on runway looks trying to predict who was going to wear what. My main motivation for tuning in is that I love me some Ross Matthews.
At long last it was time for the actual preshow, you know, the one where there’s like, actual celebrities on it. Of course the moment that everyone is talking about is when The Dictator’s Sacha Baron Cohen poured the “ashes” of his good friend Kim Jong Il onto an unsuspecting Ryan Seacrest. Now I know that many found this to be in poor taste, but after my initial gasp, I sort of loved it because a.) I have always thought that Seacrest is a tool and b.) it was one of the very few spontaneous moments of an otherwise stuffy celebrity lovefest.
how could anyone not have seen this one coming?
While Seacrest clearly didn’t get the joke, it was refreshing to see that there are still some people in Hollywood that know how to roll with the punches.
team fey, now and always
The red carpet was filled with it’s usual mix of the biggest celebrities of all time and a couple of attendees that made you go “huh?” (Bo Derek? Lea Thompson? Sheila E? Seems like someone got a little loose with the invites this year!)
The biggest couple that everyone was waiting to see were clearly the Jolie-Pitt’s. However, since they showed up at the last possible second there was almost no footage of them on the red carpet, which I think truly shows what huge assholes they both are. I get that they’re not like a super showy couple and they’re all about being appreciated for their “work” and protecting their privacy, but come on. Even if they avoided cameras every day the rest of the year, this should be the one day that they give back to the public a little bit, you know, the people that watch your movies?! Clearly Angie was trying to overcompensate for her complete inability to appear soft or likeable, as she had a smile like the Cheshire cat plastered on her red shellacked lips the entire night. They probably could have sent their wax figures from Madame Tussaud’s in their place and we wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.
ugh that damn leg. we’ll get to that later
Finally it was time for the show to start. In his usual fashion, host Billy Crystal started with a montage that involved him being a part of the Best Picture nominees. Deja vu? Absolutely, but at least he stuck with what works. That led into a song and dance number. Predictable, but you could have had a that monkey from the preshow up there and it would have been more entertaining that James Franco from last year.
Crystal continued his tried and true bits of witty (but not nasty) banter and the “What Are These Celebrities Thinking?” screenshots. While I felt like this was a show I had already seen (a few times), there’s not denying that Crystal was clearly in his element. Was it the most exciting thing in the world? No, but I sort of looked at the whole thing with a “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it” attitude. That being said, I think it was important for him to steer the show back on track after last year’s disaster, but it has the potential to get tired if they try to replicate this recipe every year from now on.
There were of course, a few magical moments. The Best In Show cast Wizard of Oz focus group. Octavia Spencer’s emotional acceptance speech. Emma Stone pluckily towering over Ben Stiller. Anytime anyone from Bridesmaids was on screen ever. Even those freaks from Cirque de Soleil were kind of a fun addition to a telecast that otherwise would have had little to no performances on account of the lack of Original Song nominations.
The show was still highly predictable as always, but with a few twists here and there. The only award that I would consider an “upset” (as Hugo and The Artist winning a bazillion awards apiece came as a surprise to no one) was Meryl Streep winning for Best Actress over her former costar Viola Davis. I have to admit, I was sort of starting to doze off at this point (it was a LONG day and I was starting to feel a sinus infection coming on) and this shocked me right out of my semi slumber. Obviously, Streep is amazing in everything she does and already has 2 Oscars and 17 nominations to her name, but sometimes it’s just like, isn’t that enough? She is going to continue to make amazing movies probably until the day she dies, but the thing that made me kind of sad is that roles like Davis’ in The Help only come along once in a great while. Despite the fact that it’s two thousand freaking twelve, strong parts for African American actresses really are few and far between. And she had won so many awards for the role already and many critics had her picked as the favorite to win, and I was just slightly disappointed. And by slightly, I mean I gasped and jumped off of my couch in fury.
Another moment that started out as my least favorite and quickly turned into my most favorite was Angelina Jolie’s continued pose off with herself that she carried all the way from the red carpet up to the theatre-formally-known-as-Kodak’s stage. She just stood there, throwing in everyone’s faces how long her legs were, how big her lips were, how thin her arms were, and continued that fake ass smiling the whole way through. I didn’t know how much more of her I could take. She looked like an evil Barbie. Also, when did velvet come back? Honestly.
someone’s been watching antm
And then all of a sudden, one of those moments happened when you just look up at the Hollywood gods and say “thank you.” After announcing them for winning Best Adapted Screenplay for The Descendants, Jim Rash stole the show from his fellow writing partners without even saying a word. If you don’t know who he his, clearly you are not watching Community which probably means that there is a huge void in your life and you should stop reading right now and Hulu it, because it will change your life. Well, your TV life, anyway.
this is me smizing, bitches
All in all, I enjoyed the show. It was pretty much what I expected, but it’s still always exciting to me. And my favorite part? Mercifully mocking the show and its guests via Facebook statuses. Why? Who knows. Because it’s fun. Also because I’m awful sometimes.
Since only my very lucky Facebook friends are so honored to see said statuses, here’s a couple of screenshots of some of my favorites posts from last night. Enjoy.
Next up? The fashions. And the un-fashions. Yes, we’re saying that now.
While I mock and ridicule many a celebrity weirdo on this blog, one thing I try to stay away from is making fun of the deceased. You just have to draw a line somewhere, you know? And there really isn’t anything to joke about here. Whitney Houston passed away today at the age of 48. 48!!! While the cause of her death has yet to be released I will give you one guess what it could have been. But the truth is so glaringly obvious you probably don’t need it.
So out of respect, I’m going to try to avoid saying anything wildly inappropriate. However, this is a list of things that I am still trying to wrap my head around regarding this situation:
1. Am I no longer allowed to laugh at reruns of Maya Rudolph on SNL when she yells “BOBBB-BAAAAAAAAY?”
2. See above in relation the “KISS MY ASS!” clip from The Soup
3. What are the Grammys going to be like tomorrow? Do you think that those guys in editing are crapping their pants right now trying to fix the “In Memoriam” segment?
4. How did Bobby outlive Whitney? No, seriously, like how?
4a. And also Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Keith Richards, Courtney Love, and everyone on Celebrity Rehab?
5. What will Christina Aguilera do to embarrass herself at a memorial? Even if she not invited to the actual service, that will not stop her- girl will throw one in her living room if that what it takes.
Sigh. If pictures of Amy Winehouse, Nick Nolte, Andy Dick and Britney Spears circa 2007 won’t discourage people from doing drugs, will this? Will anything?!
DON’T DO DRUGS.
r.i.p. whitney. and maya rudolph’s impression
Crack really is whack.
omg omg omg.
There are so many other more pressing things to write about right now. But I just came across this beauty on Us Weekly and I couldn’t resist.
I read about this story a few days ago online. Etta James finally passed away, which prompted many self absorbed songstresses to wax poetic about how much she inspired them, how she paved the way for them, blah blah blah. I am certainly not doubting James’ contribution to the music industry, what I am doubting is attention whores like Christina and Beyonce who claim that she did so much for them and then make spectacles of themselves while singing her songs. Remember when Beyonce sang “At Last” while the Obama’s shared a dance at the Inauguration party? My favorite part about that whole story is how pissed James’ was that Beyonce was chosen to sing her song while she was STILL ALIVE.
Unfortunately, now that she has passed, no one will be able to stop the likes of X-tina and Blue Ivy’s mom from screeching out her classics for the next 50 years. Well it’s already begun, as Christina Aguilera performed her most popular song in front of hundreds at a memorial service for James in L.A. Like I said, I read about this a few days ago on my EW app, so the article and picture were teeny tiny. So imagine my surprise when I signed on to usweekly.com for my after-work celeb night cap, and I see this:
stay cool. nobody’s looking down there anyway
For a good five minutes I was just staring at this picture in disbelief that she felt that this was the most appropriate ensemble to wear to a funeral. Nothing says “I’m so sorry for your loss” like forgetting your blouse. I have to say though, I think the rosary beads smushed between her suffocating bosoms really class up the whole look.
It wasn’t until I read the accompanying article that I realized that something else was going on in this photo. If you look closely at her lower half, there is something happening down there that isn’t quite right. It appears that some sort of brownish liquid is literally running down her legs. But Christina is a professional, and instead of excusing herself and politely scrubbing her legs clean with scratchy church restroom paper towels, she just kept on belting out like nothing was happening.
So what is this mysterious oozing substance? “Insiders” are claiming she was nervous and sweaty, therefore streaking her spray tan. Either that, or she lost track of her cycle and unexpectedly was paid a visit by her Aunt Flo.
Luckily for Christina (and us), her next gig requires her to do nothing but push a button in a giant chair, which gives her almost no way to embarrass herself. But I’m sure she’ll find a way. After all she’s a Figh-teerrrrr!
i’m not fat. it just made my skin a little bit thicker
Once again, I have gotten a little behind in my blogging as of late. Between the holidays and my recent excursion to Canada (more on that later), I have been emotionally unavailable in the blogging sense. I wanted to make my triumphant return in honor of my favorite time of year: Awards Season. However, due to my not so well timed wedding anniversary (which I totally didn’t take into account when picking the wedding date last year), I found myself trudging through the Arctic tundra on a day I normally reserve for parking it on my sectional and observing six uninterrupted hours of E! coverage of the 69th Annual Golden Globes ceremony. In effort to you know, stay married, I willingly decided to forgo watching the awards and instead enjoyed a very fancy meal with my husband of one year. And by willingly, I mean there was absolutely no other option as I couldn’t find the Globes on any Canadian stations (not even in French!) and said husband refused to pay $14.95 a day for wi fi.
So I was forced to fanatically check my phone in between courses in search of any clue as to what gowns my favorite stars were sporting. That proved to no avail, so I had to wait until Tuesday when we returned to the States to finally watch the show. And I have to say, I was completely… underwhelmed.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: while I am utterly fascinated by award shows, I could almost care less as to who actually wins any of them, unless it’s someone that I’m obsessed with. I barely even see any of the films or television shows that are nominated because things like Teen Mom and Step Up 2 Da Streets rarely get the recognition they deserve. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I never feel like I have time and half of them are scary violent. I am, however, infatuated with the fashions. Now I know this is a little late, but I couldn’t resist a Globes fashion wrap up, especially because I felt that many of the ladies left much to be desired this year.
Let’s start with my absolute FAVES:
l to r: helen mirren, paula patton, nicole kidman, sofia vergara
First of all, let’s just start off by saying that Helen Mirren is a goddess. This is type of woman you look at and wonder if you should rethink selling your soul to the devil in order to age as she has, despite any moral oppositions you may have once had. I hands down will fight anyone that doesn’t think that the other Divine Miss M was the best dressed person that night. And by fight I mean exchange in a nasty digital discourse via the Internet. Paula Patton I loved not only because I think she is so physically beautiful, but because she was one of so few who took a chance on color. I would so much rather see someone take a chance and miss than see 20 women plotz down the carpet in black and white (but more on that later). I’m going to be honest, I’m not totally sure why she’s even there but after taking a look at this dress, I’ve decided it doesn’t actually matter. She could be pulling a Michaele Salahi and I would be like “you go, girl!” Plus I’m sure as long as she brings her husband, she’s pretty much welcome everywhere. Nicole Kidman is normally not one of my faves. First of all, I think she is B-ORING, and I feel like she has been dressing that way for the past 10 years. She’s been showing up in some real disasters as of late. But this Versace number fit her so well and finally merged the I have an Academy Award/I married a rock star look that I feel like she has been striving for and continuously missing. Last but not least, Gloria Pritchett herself, Sofia Vergara. I’m going to say, teal is not one of my favorites, but again, a standout color and perfect shaping. That woman should probably get all her clothes tailored to be mermaid style- I’m talking nightgowns, bathing suits, raincoats- anything that graces her glorious curves. My only baby sized critique is that I absolutely loathe stick straight hair at awards shows, weddings, proms, pretty much anything fancy in general. I wish there was just a slight curl at the ends just to give it a touch more of glamour.
l to r: tina fey, kate beckinsale, laura dern, diane lane
Tina Fey is an all around funny lady and one of my favorite people. I say that like I know her because I feel like I do. Anyone who reads her books, watches 30 Rock, or has generally been obsessed with her since age 13 feels like they do as well. Tina is an every woman who just happens to be ten times more funny and successful than anyone you know ever will be. However, she is pretty much terrible at choosing award show gowns, which is crazy because she wins all the time and should be a little more prepared. She always looks like she’s not quite sure why she is there, and her look often expresses that she may have been invited by accident. I put her at the top of my list because I finally felt like she wore something that is worthy of how awesome and famous she is now. I love the drama of her skirt, but that she still looks like herself with her slightly wavy Liz Lemon hair. Yes, her skirt is about 5 inches too long and spending more time cleaning the red carpet than floating atop it, but I think more than anyone she deserves some sort of “most improved” award. Kate Beckinsale is one that made me scratch my head and wonder, “why is she here?” Seriously, can you name the last Kate Beckinsale movie you saw? I can, and it’s Brokedown Palace. And I had to IMDB it just to remember the name, because it’s from 1999. Being barely famous apparently gives her plenty of time to get ready, because she is a red carpet all-star. She always looks amazing and she has the best hair. Like, hair commercial hair. I’m not even sure if there’s anything particularly spectacular about this dress, but she just makes everything look so damn good that I a little bit hate her. Laura Dern is another that I know basically nothing about, but I do know that she is a tall drink of water that looks amazing in green. Seriously, green?! Green is not easy to wear. Unless you’re Amy Adams. Laura is so lanky and tall that I think this dress compliments her figure really well without making her look like scary skinny oh my God please take my sandwich. I feel like she resembles a very glamorous mermaid, which I sort of love. And Diane Lane, who has been doing this FOREVER (she’s been acting since she was 14, and she 46- hot damn!) still looks amazing and is wearing something glitzy and fun, but still age appropriate.
Okay, now we’re starting to head into lukewarm territory. I’d like to bring you a very special category:
l to r: viola davis, maya rudolph, octavia spencer, stacy kiebler
These ladies all look lovely. That’s it, really. Not bad. Just… pretty. It could be worse, right?
l to r: angelina jolie, claire danes, salma hayek, charlize theron
I don’t know, I feel like according to the rest of the world, I’m supposed to be impressed by these four, but in real life, I’m just like eh? Once again, Angelina Jolie physically looks amazing, but does she have to be so damn icy all the time? I feel like someone was like, “so Ange, we’ve gotten some feedback that you’re super unapproachable and most humans fear if they look directly into your eyes, they will turn to stone. Could you lighten it up a bit for the Globes?” So she threw on this silvery frock with a red dinner napkin pinned to the top for maximum scary tattoo coverage. All I think she succeeded in doing is ripping off Reese Witherspoon’s retro Barbie look from last years Oscars, and NOT WELL. Barbie may have a perpetual heeled foot, but one thing she definitely does not have is a large stick up her ass. I don’t feel like I can say the same for Angie. Everyone is kind of obsessing over Claire Danes, and I just felt like she was so blah in this black and white J. Mendel gown that overly accentuated her little boy shape. I’m really surprised that no one inside the Hilton mistook her for a waiter. Also, I think her red lips are too red for her pale skin, further accentuated by her hair being totally pulled back. I may be partially biased- her nude glitter gown from last year’s Emmy’s ranks as one of my favorite award show ensembles OF ALL TIME. Salma Hayek I have almost nothing to say about, except that I think she got this dress from a closeout sale from the set of 300. And Charlize Theron… this gown makes me have multiple personality disorder. First because it is the mullet of designer gowns, and second because I love it one minute and despise it the next. Quit playing games with my heart, Charlize!
This is where I start to feel sad:
l to r: melissa mccarthy, mila kunis, reese witherspoon, shailene woodley
I have to say something. I know this is awful, but I can’t stop thinking it. I can’t not say it. How did not one person that works for Melissa McCarthy tell her that this dress makes her look like Princess Fiona from Shrek?! This has nothing, NOTHING, to do with her size. It’s the fact that she’s in a shapeless green frock that looks like it belongs with swamp people. When I look at it fast I feel like I can see little green ears poking out through her hair. Why, why, why?! And MIla Kunis. What is it with her? Is she an exhibitionist? I feel like at every award show, I almost see her boob. I don’t need to see her boob. I need her to stand up straight and smile a little bit. Girl wasn’t nominated for anything this year, so why not get drunk and just have a good time?! But my Reese. My dear, dear Reese Witherspoon. She is my everything in the celebrity world. She is the person I bring pictures of to my hairdresser. I have every movie she’s ever been in, except for the creepy one with Mark Wahlberg where he tries to kill her. I LOVE HER. But I just don’t get this gown. I think the color is amazing and more blondes should try it. But the fit is SO BAD. She’s 5’2!! And I hate to say it, but I’m not loving the beach hair with a formal red gown. Sigh. I’m depressed. And Shailene Woodley… a first time nominee, who should be so excited just to get the hell away from ABC Family, hang out with Clooney and Stacy and she got to go to Hawaii for all those months! When I look at her, all I can see is boob sagging. This dress belongs on someone 15 years her senior whose boobs just stay up, like a Real Housewife or something.
l to r: kate winslet, rooney mara, amy poehler, julianna moore
Sorry, I forgot to write anything. I took one look at these and fell asleep. My bad.
l to r: freida pinto, natalie portman, madonna, michelle williams
I feel like all these dresses have qualities that I find to be totally weird but are really high fashion and I just don’t get them. Well… I don’t. Freida Pinto looks like she needed extra room to smuggle a few more of those kids from Slumdog that everyone claimed were homeless despite being child actors. Natalie Portman was going to help the cause as well, but half assed it with only one side. Madonna‘s medieval breasts make me feel like I am being choked just looking at her. And somewhere, Michelle Williams‘ grandmother is being rustled awake by the flaming hot sun, as her bedroom curtains have been stolen.
l to r: lea michele, emma stone, tilda swinton, zooey deschanel
Lea Michele decided to go awfully hard despite being part of a show that was nominated for almost nothing. Like this is a look that you can tell required serious effort, for which seems a little unwarranted when there is the promise of little to no screen time. From what I’ve heard, it’s extremely difficult to hold up a suit of armor for 8 hours, and girl’s a vegan. Her bones seem brittle. I feel like if any comment I’m going to be criticized for, it’s Emma Stone. While I love her, I thought this dress was UG-LY. She is so fun and vivacious, and I just think this dress is a downer. It’s so dark and dreary, it looks like it belong at a Twilight themed prom. And David Bowie… I mean Tilda Swinton, well… I’m just shocked it’s in a skirt. Zooey Deschanel‘s dress sort of made me smile at first, however I quickly changed my mind upon discovering her new sideburns.
l to r: jessica biel, meryl streep, sarah michelle gellar, piper perabo
Everyone was making a huge deal about Jessica Biel being there because they were wondering if she was going to reveal her supposed engagement ring from JT. While we still don’t have a confirmation from anyone besides his grandma, it appears that Jessica has no intention of getting married anytime this century, as exhibited by this awful Victorian inspired Elie Saab number. The big joke during the real show was that Meryl Streep forgot her glasses and couldn’t read her acceptance speech on stage. Number one: how does she lose her glasses if she has pockets, and number two: did she lose the glasses before she got dressed? This dress just makes me want to throw her into a mechanical bull pit and eat barbeque ribs, which just screams “glamour.” Sarah Michelle Gellar threw her family under a bus by confessing that her awful paint like tapestry thing was picked out by her two year old, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she designed and created this masterpiece as well. And last but not least, Piper Perabo, whom I always held a place for as the star of one of my all time favorite movies (if you don’t know which one, we’re not friends) and my celebrity doppleganger, brought the crazy to the carpet wearing a parachute.
Now that that’s over, we’re on to bigger and better things. Like… THE OSCARS. I’m giddy just thinking about it.
Until next time,
~L
While I have been checking the mail anxiously all month for Christmas cards from my friends and family, finally the most important one showed up today. Okay, so it wasn’t sent to me personally, but Kim Kardashian posted the pics on her website, which is basically the same thing.
In case you have a moral obligation against actually clicking on something that is part of the Kardashian brand, this is said card photo:
I know what you’re thinking. This is the epitome of everything that is wrong with America. Those cats in that Sarah Mclachlan commercial need just 60 cents a day just to survive, and this family probably shelled out six figures in an attempt to look like extras from a Vogue shoot. I don’t even want to think about what the total was for the lighting, styling, and pre-Christmas card facelifts in order the get this photo.
But if you saw their card last year, you know that this is not out of the ordinary for the over-exposed Klan. They’ve been putting out ridiculous holiday cards for years. For example, 2010:
um, bruce? bruce? look over here. yep, right here. someone call bruce, please
Now even back in the day, the Kardashians were working the whole mixed family giant cheesy card photos. But they still look like a semi normal family, whereas they just look miserable now because you know the women have been starving themselves just to get into their sample size Pucci gowns. I mean, look at this picture at tell me this is not what Christmas cards are all about?!
it’s 2011. do you know where your children are, bruce?
I’m not going to lie, I have a few family Christmas photos that slightly resemble this myself. The Christmas card was a big deal in my family, complete with a 3 month planning stage, a day long photo shoot and then a few more agonizing hours of selecting the actual picture where we would argue about who looked the best in which photos. There was usually a theme with some sort of coordinating outfits, followed by a whitty poetic verse that my mother created.
no, this is not a gap ad. but thank you
But these newfangled Kardashian Kards are just taking awkward family photos to a whole new extreme. It was one thing last year to put out this highly stylized holiday greeting, but why would you continue this level of craziness in 2011 when everyone in the world can’t stop talking about hot self-centered and overexposed you are?! Also, I would love to know what the time frame was for this photo shoot. Did they do this in October like we used to? Was Kris Humphries part of the mockup? I would love to know if he was originally a part of this and then Photoshopped out. It’s totally possible, as even the blind can tell that the Kardashian’s love themselves some retouching.
To make matters worse (please, hold onto your dinner for this one), this card is actually also viewable with 3D glasses, which I’m sure you can purchase for $14.95 at Dash. Well Kardashians, on this one, the Scalera’s have you beat, as our 2002 card featured an actual piece of flannel tied through the card to make it look like we were wearing scarves.
Also, do you think it’s weird that Kourtney and Scott don’t put out their own card even though they have a child and another on the way? Or Khloe and Lamar? Or Kim and her ass? Do you think that Kris Jenner has them all contractually obligated to appear in the family Christmas card through 2050? And most importantly, what year exactly did the Jenner children get excommunicated? So.many.questions.
All I can say is, that is not a Christmas card. This is a Christmas card:
actual caption: we’re never too busy to wish you a merry christmas
While there are many other topics on my blogging back burner that I have yet to write about, all will be momentarily paused for a moment of silence, as the union of one Kim Kardashian and Kim Humphries is now dead. Ironic, being that it’s Halloween and all. Point… Kim?
While there have been rumors of a rift for months now, being a serious journalist myself, I choice not to believe the hype until I heard it from a legitimate source, i.e. US Weekly by way of a Ryan Seacrest tweet.
This comes as a great shock to all of us that thought that these two were different, and that they would defy all the crumbling Hollywood marriages that came before them, but alas, we must accept that this most perfect union is now over.
Who are we kidding. The jokes about these two write themselves. I once read that during Britney’s mental breakdown, some magazine outlets already started crafting obituaries for her because that was the direction they thought that she was headed. I imagine they may have prepared in advance for this situation as well and probably have had their “Kim & Kris in Krisis!” articles prepped since before ink was dried on their prenup.
Clearly, no one thought this would last (including myself), although I’m sure that the execs at E! had hope to get at least a year and a baby Kardashian out of the deal at least. I don’t think the question is “where did it all go wrong,” as it was glaringly obvious to anyone who watched those torturous 4 hours of wedding coverage that these two people were not compatible in the slightest. I think the main thing about this whole thing that is super embarrassing is that everyone, including her own family members, Twitter followers and the majority of the general public saw what a sham this was. I don’t know what’s more sad- the thought that she was so blinded by the excitement of finally getting married or that she wanted to have said wedding so bad that she agreed to go along with marrying someone she didn’t even like just to do so.
I don’t personally think that Kim Kardashian is a bad person. Is she everything that’s wrong with society? Pretty much. Does she not posses an iota of talent but yet is more famous than most creative people ever actually will be? Of course. But if you listen to her for 10 seconds talk with that weird baby voice you realize that she’s really not even intelligent enough to do anything really bad on purpose because she probably couldn’t even figure out how to do so. So deep down, I don’t really feel that she went through all of this just to get paid for having her dream wedding. I think she’s just not smart enough to know better and is clearly highly influenced by everyone around her.
What kills me about all of this is that throughout this whole thing, I think it actually made some of the other K’s look better, which I was pretty sure was impossible. Take Kourtney, who everyone is begging to get married to her baby daddy Scott. She could easily have had an almost as expensive wedding as Kim with the same amount of media coverage, and she’s choosing not to. I personally think it’s because deep down she knows that Scott is a giant tool and doesn’t want to be stuck with him forever (although I don’t know why she would think that, as it’s clearly not the case with unions in this family). I hate to even think this, but I sort of commend her. Yeah, she did things backwards and probably shouldn’t have let herself get knocked up by a guy while he was in the middle of an alcoholic raging period in his life, but at least she has the sense to know that she shouldn’t go and get married now just because she can.
And Khloe!!! Who would have known that she would have the example relationship in this family?! Everyone said her and Lamar wouldn’t last after being engaged for 9 days, and it’s been like 2 years and they’re still together. Now I know that that is by no means a union to put your money on, but at least she and Lamar actually seem like they like each other. They managed to convince us during their wedding special and subsequent spin off that they were madly in love as we watched them slobber all over each other, unlike the painful, icy conversations we were forced to watch between Kim and Kris.
So where does this leave poor Kim? Well not that she’ll ever be poor anything as she has a rock solid prenup. Unfortunately, we’ve already seen all the promos for Kourtney and Kim Take New York and Kris is definitely a part of them. Also they’ve been traipsing around NYC for the past 2 months so I’m sure he’s already a big part of the footage. However, someone on a shall-remain-nameless Bravo reality show killed themselves and they still went ahead with their season as planned, so who the hell knows.
I know I have fallen off the celebrity scandal train lately because there are more interesting things to talk about in my life, like oversized ship wheels that may try to kill me and the art of shoe cleaning. Okay it’s more like there hasn’t been anything crazy lately that has really inspired me. Britney is in a healthy relationship with an actual person instead of Starbucks. Glee has been on a month long hiatus due to baseball. The girl from Twilight that isn’t Kristen Stewart marrying a loser from American Idol is the biggest celebrity wedding I’ve heard about in weeks. Yawn, yawn, snooze.
But yesterday, something rocked the Twitterverse that could not go unnoticed. One of my former favorite celebrities and current hot mess Jessica Simpson tweeted this photo of herself:
At first glance, it may not seem like there is anything crazy disgusting about this photo other than the fact that it’s a picture of someone on a toilet. Until you find out that:
THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM!
Okay, so it was Bergdorf Goodman, where the restrooms are probably cleaner than the table that I eat off of and the decor costs more than my parents house. But still, ew.
I just have so many questions. First of all, why is she barefoot?! The caption accompanying this photo was “short girl problems,” but even if she took off her shoes to further illustrate her point, where are they? More importantly, how did she even take this photo of herself? Was someone else in there with her and she was like here, take my Blackberry and have at it?
There’s just so many questions that I don’t have answers to, and probably wouldn’t want to know anyway. More importantly, is she pregnant or not?!
If you’re the type of girl that will let the Internet see you pee, you should also be the type of girl that does a 6 page “Finally, A Baby for Jess!” US Weekly spread for a hefty “charitable donation.” Just sayin.
Despite the ridiculous amount of things that I deem interesting enough to enter my pop culture bubble, many people might be surprised to know that there are certain celebrities, movies, tv shows, books, etc. that I just don’t give two craps about, despite how popular or relevant they are to the entertainment world. Here’s a short list:
1. Harry Potter and anything Harry Potter adjacent
2. All shows on CBS minus How I Met Your Mother (which I don’t even count because I only watch it on Lifetime. Suck on that, CBS!)
3. Titanic (I’m sorry I know this makes me a trader to my generation, but I thought that movie was so flipping boring and I still do not find Leo attractive)
4. The Real Housewives of Atlanta & NYC
5. Twilight (both the books and the movies- also the actors, blech)
Up until last week, you could have added The Rachel Zoe Project to that list. Now you know I will pretty much gobble up anything Andy Cohen serves me via Bravo but I always assumed that she was boring. Mainly because she is crazy skinny (I’m convinced that people who are that thin have too little energy to support a personality) and despite having access to all these amazing close, she almost always wears black.
Despite these things, somehow Ms. Zoe ended up on my DVR last week for the season premiere. I don’t know, maybe it was the fact that I knew she gave birth to baby Skyler earlier this year and I was curious if that would make her more interesting. Or maybe it’s just because I read in US Weekly that he has a $3,700 baby shoe collection. I’m not entirely sure.
Regardless, Rachel and I are now involved because it turns out we feel the same way about babies. Last week, she informed us that when she found out she was having a boy, she cried for three weeks because it dashed any hope of her sitting in the front row of fashion shows in Paris with a mini-Rachel bouncing away on her lap in mother-daughter matching Chanel suits. I completely echo her sentiment on boys, and like her, I imagine the only way I could get over it is to discover cute designer boy clothes as well.
But that was last week. This week the whole crew at Rachel Zoe Inc. or Project Zoe or whatever group those surly looking people belong to were in a tizzy over the release of Rachel’s first clothing line. Rachel’s husband Rodger (God, I hate that “D”) headed up a meeting of the minds, minus Rachel, because she really needed to rest. This shocked me, as something about Rachel’s work ethic reminds me of another one of her Bravo cohorts, in that work is first, children are second, and the love tank is third. If you don’t know who I am talking about, we are not friends (can I get a WOO HOOO?!).
Rachel’s new minion Jeremiah instantly started sweating upon being assigned the least important task- picking the most minimal amount of jewelry possible for models to wear with Rachel’s line at a buyer’s event in NYC. While most gays would have squealed in delight, Jeremiah began to sweat his faux hawk a little while head minion Mandana rolled her overly lined eyes under her bangs and assured him that his job barely mattered anyway because it’s not even about the jewelry, duh. You could just see him repeating “studs, hoops, bands” over and over in that pretty little head of his (I mean, seriously, he is like REALLY good-looking, right?).
Back at casa de Zoe, Rachel lectured her wannabe-Zoe’s about the roller coaster that is pregnancy as they packed up her rolling rack. See the thing about being pregnant that is like, totally weird, is that it’s not just a part of your job like picking out outfits and going to photo shoots because you can’t just check your baby off the things to do list, because after you’re like really stuck with a baby. And nothing clashes with the world of high fashion more than pregnancy because all of the symptoms “are so not chic.”
Second only to Maci and Farrah, Rachel Zoe comes across as the least sure person on television about having a baby. I think I saw an iota of an episode last year when Rodger (seriously, I cringe every time I type his name) was trying to force her to have a baby because she was clearly running out of time, because let’s face it- if her face looks that dried up just imagine what her eggs are like.
Finally, it was time for Jeremiah to do his jewelry pull. Unfortunately he was totally out of his element and had to send Mandana BBM photos every five minutes to reassure himself that he picked the right pieces. This totally made me question his sexuality, until I saw his side interview- sorry Jeremiah, but I saw your vest and I don’t believe for a second that you didn’t know that there were 5 different types of gold, one of them being a new breed known as gilver. For those of you not in on the industry lingo, it’s a mix of gold and silver. Amateurs.
Thankfully, Jeremiah/jewelry girl made the right choices and it was off to NYC for the Women’s Wear Daily shoot, where Rachel was shot side by side with models wearing her line. Rachel, along with the rest of the world, forgot that she was 6 months pregnant and was shocked at how increasingly difficult it was becoming to get dressed. That is the overstatement of the century as Rachel seems to have gained as much weight as I do after a three course meal. In the last episode we got a brief glimpse of her belly before she zippered it into a Givenchy suit and if you didn’t see it, let me paint you a picture. She looks like one of those African children that are super skinny but have bloated bellies from starvation in those commercials where you can feed them for less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day. Sexy.
The shoot was a success, and a celebratory dinner was had… by Rodger (ick) and her makeup artist Joey where he begged, pleaded and essentially bribed him to come back to LA and serve… I mean “help” Rachel with the rest of her pregnancy. Joey was reluctant, until Rodger (okay the more I write it, the more I’m convinced she added that D when she taught him to flat iron his hair and started outfitting him in scarves to make him cool, because what fashionable person ever married a guy named Roger?!) offered to give him his Mercedes. Don’t get excited, it’s the old one.
The next morning, Rachel anxiously opened WWD with the vigor of a not barely pregnant person. “You know that this like, excites me more than anything in the world, right? Because Women’s Wear Daily is like, my everything,” she said to Joey, tearing through the pages. I would have totally expected this from Old Rachel, but hello- don’t you have a fetus in you that is your new everything?!
“I know,” Joey agreed. “I feel like this is the biggest moment in your life in more ways than one.” Okay, I know she’s sickly thin, but HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE BABY GROWING INSIDE HER?!
I found the rest of the show to be relatively boring, because it was mostly Rachel and her camp running around frantically prepping for the big buyer’s fashion show and “ohmygod-ding” at every turn. Once she stopped making fun of her little zygote I started losing interest. Although I did appreciate when she told someone to “touch the kid” for luck.
Sigh. This will probably be my last relaxed TV watching experience because next week is premiere week, and both myself and my DVR are feeling the stress right now. Like I’m literally anxious over the amount of DVR that I have in the present and future to to watch. It’s almost like how Rachel Zoe feels about her clothing line. Except I don’t feel guilty because I don’t have a baby so I’m still allowed to be a little in love with my television.
~L
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