Ah, the Golden Globes. One of the highlights of award season, because well, there’s booze there. And it shows.

All kidding aside, what makes the Globes so great is the atmosphere. It’s like there’s TV people, movie people, all forced to mingle in the same room (in the case this year, a very sweaty room). It’s a semi-serious award, so even the big-named stars still feel compelled to show up, not to mention, there’s twice as many categories (so if you were nominated in the musical/comedy category, your chances are usually much higher for taking home a statue than at those stuff Oscars).

Of course, the thing we all care about is the fashion. And this year was a doozy, mainly because the stifling humidity was so obvious on all of the A-lister’s hair and faces (stars! They really are just like us). But even a little frizz wasn’t enough to rain on many of these celebs parades. So once again, it’s time for my annual review of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

First up, the Girls (I’m sorry, it’s just so easy to put them all together). Usually, Allison Williams is one of the best dressed at these sort of things, but I sort of thought she just looked like a very pretty Christmas ornament. Fortunately, that’s light years ahead of her costar Jemima Kirke, who looks like an extra from Star Wars and/or the leader of one of those weird cults where you shouldn’t drink from the communal punch bowl. And poor Lena Dunham. That girl just can’t quite get it right, can she? Every year there is just something questionable about her look. This year I’m going to have to say it’s the business lunch shoe and the totally weird seams on the front of her dress. What’s with that line at the top – does Lululemon now sell evening wear? (Props to whoever chose this color – it’s magnificent on her.) Zosia Mamet… I mean, I really don’t have words. Between Gwyneth Palthrow’s ’99 Oscar dress on the bottom and that fetching shade of paper bag on the top (otherwise known as faccata), there’s just really no hope for this unfortunate ensemble.

Now this is how you do it, ladies. It may be obvious by now that I have a thing for sparkles at award shows (and yes, I realize they’re all blonde – in the wise words of Elle Woods, we have to stick together as a hair color minority). Sometimes I look at Diane Kreuger, and I suddenly believe in reincarnation, because there’s no way that girl wasn’t Grace Kelly in her past life (although I couldn’t name one movie she’s been in for probably the last three years). And Reese Witherspoon. MY GOD. I know I’m totally biased because she’s my all-time favorite actress, but seriously, this is the best she has ever looked, ever. She should probably divorce Jim Toth and marry Calvin Klein so they can continue to make beautiful music together for the rest of their lives. Finally, I put Anna Faris in there because this is the first time I thought she really brought it to the red carpet, and I thought this dress was perfect for her. It’s like a little boho-esque, which isn’t my favorite style, but I think it works for her and she somehow looks both glamorous and comfortable.

Ugh, ladies. What is happening here? You’re all beautiful women! You have money, stylists, mirrors (I assume). How could this happen? First and foremost, Claire Danes, to quote Regina George, “that is the ugliest effing dress I have ever seen.” I hate everything about this. It’s the most old ladiest gown there ever was. Melissa McCarthy has really been off the mark the past few years, which is surprising, since her background is in fashion. I heard her saying that she took apart two different outfits and put them together with her stylist to make this. So if this is an improvement, I can only imagine what each of these looked like before. Keira Knightley is my nightmare right now, it’s like she got pregnant and now she has to dress like a marm. This looks like an undergarment to and American Girl dress, and don’t even get me started on the fishing lures or whatever that print is. Also, Mariah would like her oversized butterfly accessory back, thanks. As for Kerry Washington, is there any way to explain this? She looks like a piece that came out of Barbie’s motherboard. That shoe makes no sense, and then only reasoning I can come up with is that her severe cleavage is cutting off the oxygen supply to her brain and she just threw on whatever heels she could find so she could get out the door. Kristen Wiig is another repeat offender in my book. It’s like she always either has something totally boring on, unwashed hair, or just the most oddball dress that she pulled out of someone’s attic. In this case, the Charlie’s Angels reject collection circa 1976.

Red is my favorite color, and one of the best shades you can wear on the carpet (hello, coordination). But there’s good way and very bad ways to do it, and these ladies get my thumbs down in the red category (which happened to be the most popular color of the evening). One way not to wear crimson? In the form of a tea-length dress made from a tablecloth. I’m talking to you, Julianna Margulies. I am so over that brocade fabric that seems to stand up on its own. As for Kate Mara, there’s almost nothing wrong with dress (although I am surprised by the placement of those two vertical ruffles), but she definitely needed to abide by the “take one thing off before you leave the house” rule. A wide peach satin belt? Over a red dress. If you could see my face right now, it looks a little something like this. Neither Viola Davis not Catherine Zeta-Jones have done anything particularly offensive, but I feel like they’re both waiting for their dates for the junior prom. I swear, my sister and I each wore those dresses to formal dances in high school.

Alright, we’re getting warmer. Or should I say, redder. Even more red? Whatever it is, we’re there. I do think Allison Janney looks lovely, however, I feel like this high-neck bow dress just needs to be off-limits forever, because no matter how many years have gone by or how many other people have worn it (cough, cough – Emma Stone), it will never not remind me of Nicole Kidman’s 2007 Academy Awards gown. In fact, this is like a summer cover up version of that. Is it made of jersey? I don’t hate Heidi Klum‘s sexy scarlet number, despite the empathy I feel for her right breast as it’s clearly trying to escape the clutches of that bodice. It’s a great color on her, it’s this much pageant, but it’s leaps and bounds ahead of some of the crap she’s been sporting lately. Christine Baranski shied away from the super vibrant shade, but looks crazy awesome in this Merlot number. It’s appropriate for her age, but somehow still looks better than a lot of the girls that are half of that. Speaking of women of a certain age, I’m pretty confident that Helen Mirren makes my best dressed list every year. I mean, was she born into an evening gown? It’s like everything she puts on is a second skin, fitted perfectly to her form.

Every year, there’s a handful of women that just look… okay. Kind of playing it safe, not thinking too much outside of the box. Which really bothers me, because I don’t have too much to say one way or another, and we know that’s a foreign concept for someone like myself. I loved that Gina Rodriguez won (she’s Jane the Virgin, if you don’t know, now you know! I love that show) but I wish she had slightly more pizzazz in her dress. One of the best things about her is she seems like she has a fun, fresh personality, and this dress shows nothing of that. Props for the hair and earrings, though. Perfection. I kind of thought Katherine Heigl had gotten the memo that nobody wants her to come to things, but I guess the rules change when you’re on the network that happens to be hosting the show that year, so yes, all NBCers get a free pass I suppose. Again, this dress is fine, but what are we calling the extra fabric in the front? Is that like a reverse mermaid skirt or something. Whatever, I don’t care enough to figure it out. Maggie Gyllenhaal must have contacted that company that makes those dyeable bridesmaid shoes and begged them to do a dress in their loveliest shade of rust, because that’s all I think when I look at this. And Katie Holmes – who let her out of the house? Oh wait, she’s divorced and is now allowed to roam freely (depending on Suri’s mood that day, of course). There’s nothing so wrong with this dress, but I’m totally distracted by the ponytail. I’m convinced it came from an actual horse given the sheer length of it. Finally, Patricia Arquette. She won big that night (and it only took twelve years of acting!), but looks like she’d rather be anywhere else other than on a red carpet. You’d think she’d be used to it by now? I’m convinced her clothes are just wearing her by now, not the other way around.

I’m very excited to announce that this is the first award show where I have actually seen Orange is the New Black (thank you to my sister for graciously sharing her Netflix password after I dropped hints seventeen times). Is there anything more satisfying at an award show than seeing someone who wears baggy khaki prison uniforms everyday all dolled up on the red carpet? It’s like when I was in high school and I used to wear sweatpants for the two weeks leading up until the prom. You’d think some of these girls would pull it together a bit more, given this opportunity to show off their banging bods. Laura Prepon went for straight up Elvira, while Natasha Lyonne really turned it out in cobalt (but I’m sorry, the smirk has got to go). Uzo Aduba is everything in this dark sparkly number, like I’m seriously obsessed with how amazing she looks (she definitely gets the #1 transformation award). Taylor Schilling is in the color of the night, but I’m really uncomfortable with her super prominent concave chest thing she has going on. I know the food in prison is bad, but yikes. I just want her and Giuliana to grab a burger (or five) together. Finally, Taryn Manning. That girl just will always look like a mess. Do you thinks she’s dying to do a job where she’s not a crackhead? This looks like the super glamorous trash bag that she crawled out of.

Like clockwork, there’s always a few that just baffle me. Like I spend a lot of time thinking about what I might wear should I ever have the opportunity to go to something like this. Some of these women, I have to wonder if they look at these dresses and a bulb goes off somewhere that they think it’s like, a great idea. Unfortunately, this year that meant our beloved host Tina Fey, who graced us with her presence, but unfortunately, it was in a penguin suit. Like does this shape even have a name? What is the purpose a skirt that could take flight? Thankfully, she spent little time in this due to her hosting duties. Unfortunately, Lana del Ray spent the whole damn evening in this cheap-looking seafoam green disaster. We get it, you think you’re Priscilla Presley. However, you are not, and it’s also 2015. Also, did she pick this dress up at Deb in the mall? One person who will never visit a mall probably ever again is Amal Alamuddin. I feel like because she’s not a Hollywood person, she watched like Breakfast at Tiffany’s or something and thought “this is how celebrities dress!” Which is cray, because she has the most amazing style on her own. I’m sorry, I really felt she could have done without the scrunchy opera gloves. I know she’s Mrs. Clooney and therefore untouchable by association, but to me, she looked like she was wearing a costume (and trying to figure out if it really was the butler who did it in the parlor with a candlestick). And finally, without fail, there is one dress every year that the public collectively loves and I’m the only weirdo that is like, wtf. So this year, that goes to Sienna Miller. This dress is just too much of everything, and nothing at the same time. However, that hair? It’s kind of perfect.

The second most popular color of the evening had to be white, which can really go either way. Emily Blunt was kind of meh in this cut out Grecian frock (with one of my least favorite trends of all time, those damn milkmaid braids), but I love when people choose to accent white with green or turquoise jewelry. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is also nothing to write home about, other than the fact that her body looks banging in this straight one-shouldered whatever (ugh, and are middle parts happening?). Salma Hayek must have gone shopping with Julianna Margulies, as she is also sporting the tablecloth stand up dress that seems to plague at least one person on the red carpet every year (or in this case, two). And Rosamund Pike. In the words of The Continental, wow wow wee wow. I’m so conflicted about this dress – from some angles it’s so angelic and flowy, and others I’m like shocked at how risqué it is. I mean, the side boob risk would be a known and constant concern for me, and she’s the one who had a baby five weeks ago!

It’s always kind of weird to see such springy dresses at these award shows given that it’s January, but then I remember that it’s LA and the fashion world is always like a season and a half ahead of us losers. I don’t love this half and half thing that Camila Alves has going on (I just don’t understand why anyone would intentionally make their body that shape), but that color is divine on her. I want to give Quvenzhané Wallis a standing ovation for dressing so cute and appropriate for her age, but mainly because she finally gave up on the puppy purses. I don’t know what it is about beautiful women like Chrissy Teigen, but I feel like they think that because they’re so gorgeous, they can just walk onto a red carpet with a messy pony and everything is fine. Okay, she does look amazing, but I’m not convinced about the seams on that dress. The wavy lines in her crotch area remind me of the wing of an overnight maxi pad or something. And Lupita Nyong’o… oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember last year, when she was the constant belle of the ball? Now here she is, looking like a walking 1950s bathing cap. And I’m sorry, but I really don’t like her new hair. She just looked so striking last year, and now, there’s just a lot happening and none of it is great.

And on the third day, God invented glitter. Well, at least in my version he did. I feel I should have put money on Jennifer Lopez showing up in a Zuhair Murad number, but alas, award show gambling really hasn’t taken off yet. Obviously, she looks amazing, but there is just so much skin showing, I think it almost distracts from how beautiful she is. Between the plunging neckline and dangerously high slit, there’s literally about six inches of gauze and beading holding this thing together (and that’s definitely her nipple showing, right?). Julianne Moore seams to have gone the opposite route, with what I think is the most conservative, full coverage, bedazzled gown since Whoopi in Sister Act. I’m not a big fan of the ombre sequins, and ombre sequins + ostrich feathers makes me think that she got this dress in one of the gift shops at Caesar’s Palace. As for Emma Stone, she’s probably one of the only people at this show that is actually cool enough to pull off a pair of formal high-waisted trousers. And I love the idea of a bedazzled top and tuxedo pants, but I don’t like the execution in this particular case. Also, the point of wearing pants is that they’re not a dress, and therefore, IT SHOULDN’T HAVE A TRAIN. It’s just silly. I like the idea of a newcomer like Dakota Johnson being clothed head-to-toe in sparkles, I’m just not sure that I wanted it to be from two different dresses. And last but not least, Kate Beckinsale. I feel like I say this every year, but how does she keep getting invited to these things? Like, when was the last time she worked? I mean she always looks amazing so I guess it doesn’t really matter, but it’s almost like they keep inviting her to these award shows to keep everyone on their toes in the wardrobe department.

What can I say, these women are all beauties. And some definitely scored more than others in the wardrobe category, but ultimately, they’re all winners (well actually, only Amy Adams is a winner, but you get the idea). First, Naomi Watts. She looks.. fine, but there’s three things that are bothering me. 1) The criss-cross draping on the top half. 2) The rhinestone doodad on the belt. 3) The diamond cobra wrapped around her neck, which I’m sure a month from now will be in every fashion magazine, because this probably means that snakes are in. Amy Adams does look pretty amazing with her retro hair and periwinkle gown… like a really beautiful Smurf or something. Felicity Jones is a newcomer to all this red carpet business, and she’s very pretty, but that top is so weirdly shaped that is sort of makes her look like an upside-down triangle. Or as Steve would say, she looks like the President of the Celibacy Club (i.e., what he says to me every time I wear a button down under a crew neck sweater). And my girl, Anna Kendrick. I think she looks really cute, but I’m not going to go easy on her just because she’s so dam adorable. I think the hair is a little severe for her and the color of her dress is too close to her skin tone and makes her look washed out. I almost wish it was a brighter nude, or even a pale pink. Jenna Dewan-Tatum seems to be very ready for Easter in this buttercup yellow gown that is accented by some sort of origami folds. She does look beautiful but I’m not dying over this look or anything.

And then, things got dark. First up, Jennifer Aniston seems to be reliving her late 90s days of glory in this black halter dress. Didn’t we learn anything from Anne Hathaway at the Oscars? Stop trying to make halter tops happen. They’re not going to happen (on a positive note, thank you for finally responding to my years of begging for you to do something different with your hair). Jessica Rabbit also made an appearance… I mean, Jessica Chastain. Can you say va va voom? Who knew such a vixen was hiding underneath that baby blue sack she wore in 2013? The only thing I’m not sure about is those boobs. Maybe it’s necessary for such a dress, but they’re so high and squished together, I’m not even sure how she’s still smiling. And last but certainly not least, our little Lorde. It was predicted that she was going to wear some sort of pant, but no one said anything about gauzy palazzos that weren’t even hemmed (and let’s be real, if they’re too long for Lorde than what freak of nature could these possibly have been meant for?). No wonder she looks so glum.

Well Globetrotters, that’s it for my first award show wrap up on the new and improved Lindsay’s Look! Stop by again soon for more fashion recaps, after all – tis the season.

~L