Another winter day, another award show. Don’t you just love this time of year? (Minus the ten feet of snow for New Englanders… and constant state of drizzle here on Nantucket.)

First of all, I have to come out and admit that I missed a majority of the red carpet. 2014’s slightly off award season schedule (due to the Olympics) really messed with my mental calendar this year, and I was committed to help out at a work even right in the middle of prime arrival time. Luckily, the internet exists and it is my friend, and at 7 P.M. I promptly booked it out of there and delved right into it, without hesitating to remove my coat. Eventually I put on my tuxedo t-shirt and settled into my usual spot on the couch, ready to judge like I’ve never judged before. After all, the Grammys are the slightly eccentric aunt of the entire award show season. Those musicians… you never know what sort of hijinks they’ll get into!

But seriously, you have permission to kook it up a little bit at this one (except for in 2013, when a strongly worded memo tried to dissuade stars like Jennifer Lopez leaving so little to the imagination – as you can imagine, that worked out swimmingly). So why did so many celebs show up this year in way-too-basic black sequins? One never knows. But don’t take my word for it – I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.

This is what I’m talking about. I started having PTSD-style flashbacks to my days in retail seeing all these goth frock cross the red carpet. Theoretically, they’re not so wrong. Take Jessie J, for example. It’s a pretty dress, and it looks great on her body, but to be honest, I’m kind of over this whole see-through dress/granny panty thing. We get it – you want everyone to know your sexy and classy, both at the same time. Nicki Minaj is suffering from a similar ailment, but in two obviously different ways (i.e., her boobs). I know this is kind of tame for her, but that’s what I think the problem is. This is not the Nicki we know and love (sometimes… at least, until she speaks). I know she’s been trying to class it up now that she’s an “actress,” but girl, this is the Grammys. This is your scene. Show ’em what to do! I feel like Nicole Kidman has been keeping it real mum lately, and then randomly surfaces and you’re like oh… she’s married to the guy with the bob. She looks fine, actually probably less robotic than usual, but nothing to really write home about. And oh, Beyonce. Where is our Queen? I take back everything I ever said about that white and black pant combo from two years ago – at least that gave us something to talk about! Why this boring, shapeless frock? Oh I’m sorry, your skirt is see-through? How edgy. Please, hold my calls while I alert the media to this fashion revelation. Even the House of Dereon has more intrigue than this. Finally, I know I’m supposed to automatically root for Meghan Trainor because of her Nantucket roots, but I was kind of glad we didn’t have to see Morticia’s prom gown up on stage any more than we did during her snoozy banter with the hot Jonas (“well Nick, it’s safe to say you made a lot of girls ‘Jealous’ this year…” kill me now). I do like her and her kooky style, and I just thought this dress was all wrong for her. First, there’s more of this sheer evening gown/underwear surprise, and second, the underwire cup of her bra looks is totally visible, kind of ruining the whole nude illusion thing. I’d rather see her rock some kitty cat sequins any day.

Oh, you thought those were the only stars attending a funeral that evening? Nope. There’s a whole other slew of depressing duds to sift through. Although if you’re going to go all black, you might as well look as good as Gwen Stefani in this cropped jumpsuit. I don’t even care if that top is pulling her boobs in two different directions, she looks so good. I do miss the red lip though. I feel like that could have really made the outfit. As for Miley Cyrus… well what is there even really to say. Props for being as covered as you are? Thank you for not wearing fourteen tiny Crazy Eyes buns across your head? I’m sorry, I just have a really hard time complimenting this girl on anything. I wish I knew why Ciara was so mad, but if I had to guess, I’m going to say it’s because her stylist insisted on covering up her insane calf muscles with eighteen pounds of tulle. Girl, you gotta speak up about these things. I do not by any means hate what Anna Kendrick has on, but for someone who is so fun and so spunky, I really feel like she could have done more with this safe (albeit slamming) black suit. She’s the spokesperson for Kate Spade, for Pete’s sake. Grab a whimsical clutch! A bold colored heel! Give us something, girl! Lastly, Miranda Lambert kind of let me down with this boring black frock. A hot pink strap does not an interesting dress make. Also that limp hair is killing me. You’re a country singer! Isn’t your personal mantra the bigger the hair, the closer to God?

It seems like with the past three or four award shows, there’s always a bevy of ladies working the white. I don’t blame them, especially these women – it’s heaven on their skin tone (where as I would look like I am basically invisible). I don’t quite understand what is happening with Ariana Grande‘s dress though… between the very restricting strap and the haphazard scrap of silver mesh, it looks like she was in the bottom half of a Project Runway “use everything you have” challenge. And after seeing her performance, I’m convinced she robbed a Sephora and spent her afternoon on Pinterest researching “Scotch tape winged eyeliner tutorials.” I was happy to see new It Girl Gina Rodriguez there, dazzling in white, and I especially appreciate the turquoise accent. Also, applause for a center slit that ends in an appropriate place (I’m looking at you, Kim). Chrissy Teigen looks fine and all, and I’m certainly glad that she washed her hair, but holy underboob. Is that even legal?! I’m a firm believer in the adage that if you’re going to show a major body part, cover everything else up, but my God (but seriously, how rocking is that clutch?). And finally, Jennifer Hudson. I have this theory that she still paying the price for that brown slip dress/cosmic space jacket combo that she wore the year she won her Oscar, and she has to be extra on her game like, all the time. But seriously, her body looks slamming, as usual. I think the choker is cool, but I would have preferred a longer necklace for the low neckline of the dress.

I love me some award show sparkle. However, not all of these ladies get my gold star. First, Rita Ora may as well be wearing a suit of armor – seriously, have you ever seen her more covered up? I do not feel that a turtleneck was a necessary addition to that dress. I appreciate the theory, just not the execution. Ugh and WHY was Paris Hilton even there? I forgot she existed and I swear she pops up at this particular award show every year and threatens to drop another “album.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I think she probably does the worst illusion paneling on a semi-consistent basis (you know, when they let her in places). But Katy Perry… you are my everything. Seriously, I loved this outfit on her. It defies everything we know as a species – gravity, science, hair color found in nature – but she does it so, so well. But since I can’t just let it be I have to say… I’m not crazy about that shoe. I’m sorry, I know, I have a problem. But points all around, Katy! Also how do we think my office would feel about lavender hair? Now there is such a thing as dripping in sparkles in a bad way, and that way is Kim Kardashian. First of all, I’m annoyed that she has a legitimate reason to be at this award show. I know everyone has said it all already: she’s wearing Liberace’s bathrobe, she could be Joan Collins double from Dynasty, yada yada yada. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the sheer size of everything. Yes, she’s curvy, but she’s also like 5’2. Why in the world would she need a shoulder embellishment that large and sleeves that long? And the pockets – everything is just heavy. I’m exhausted just looking at her, thinking about carrying that crap around all night. And don’t even get me started on the slit. I swear, we’ve seen her vagina so much lately that I’m surprised she’s even covered up this much at all. I’m kind of conflicted about Lady Gaga‘s look. I like seeing a non-crazy phase of her, but I feel like she’s still doing that to some degree. It’s no meat dress, but now it’s like she’s trying to play a 1940s sex pot, emphasis on trying… really really hard. It’s a little desperate, no? Also that pancake boob thing with those kind of dresses is pretty much one of my least favorite fashion faux pas, right behind visible panty lines. And the tan? Yikes. Even Snooki’s like “damn girl, tone it down.”

This is where I’m just like…wtf? Like what can I even say? I know Sia is an “artist” and she has this whole greater meaning behind everything she does, but then I guess… I just don’t understand art. And is the reason she’s going everywhere with Maddie from Dance Moms is because she needs her to guide her around and make sure she doesn’t walk off a stage or something with that wig covering her eyes? Because then all of this makes a lot more sense. I had such high hopes for Iggy Azalea, and she definitely delivered in the dress department – this gown reminded me of a sexy swimsuit or something – but what.the.hell. is sitting atop her head? She looks like an extra from Star Wars. Who knew they even made braided toupées? And well… they don’t call her Princess Riri for nothing I guess. I saw the dresses from this particular Giambattista Valli runway and thought that they were beautiful in a way, like a piece of art really but…not at all wearable for any normal person. Well, luckily Rihanna is not normal and is like, eff you guys – I’m going to wear that cupcake thing like a boss. And she did I guess, I mean, you could practically see the thing from space. So, mission accomplished, I guess? (But ahhhhh oh my God, do I hate that hair. Wispies are literally the bane of my existence.)

These three have got me feeling all sorts of feelings, and I can’t make sense of any of them. Dare I say… I like them a little bit? First of all, props to Jane Fonda – who knows why you’re even there, but God love you for getting back into the Spandex and reminding us why we should buy your VHS aerobics tapes the next time we find ourselves at the Goodwill. I know, this is kind of crazy, but I think that’s why I love it. She is a lady of a certain age; she couldn’t give any less F’s about any of this. But she looks so good, I’m like, “maybe I do need a gold fringe necklace that comes down to my pelvis.” Jane, I salute you. And Taylor Swift… I don’t know what’s happening, because there are so many elements of this that are against many of the things I feel about fashion. Between the high-low skirt, the straps that serve no purpose, the black opal paraiba earrings (like, seriously?) and the peacock ombre – there’s so many things about this dress that shouldn’t work, and then they do. Also I want those purple heels like, yesterday. As for Katharine McPhee, I am so conflicted about this number. It’s like there’s something about the silhouette of it that I love, but I’m also scared that she may have stolen part of Bane’s mask to construct it. I sort of like the color, and yet at the same time I feel like it’s a color that no one could wear. I do know one thing – that hair definitely leaves something to be desired. The wet look should be reserved for immediately exiting the swim-up bar at the pool and that is it.

Blech, this had to happen at some point. So some things were strange or boring or ill-fitting, and others were just downright heinous (I live for these moments. Why? Because no one’s going to try to pull this stuff at the freaking Oscars). I don’t really know who Kat Graham is, but she’s working my least favorite trend of the evening and only enhancing its awfulness by doing the appliqués in white. I think it’s supposed to be a flower, but it looks like it’s exploding and then crying all over her, which is exactly how I feel right now. I’m also not really sure who Jenny Lewis is, but I vaguely remember a music video with Anne Hathaway and Kristen Stewart also wearing white suits and playing her music, so if she’s friends with those two, I’m sure she’s a real blast to hang with. Also I’m not sure if she’s actually on the red carpet or if Shia LaBeouf’s having an acid trip and we can all see her too. I actually would have been fine with a white suit, but we’ve got to work on the hem of these pants, people. Poor Zendaya. Did you know that she’s eighteen?! Eighteen! Yes, she technically looks beautiful, but whose idea was it to age her by thirty years with that hair and the Mrs. Roper dress? Charli XCX is a mess, but for a whole slew of other reasons. Is she the new Ke$ha? Like was she out partying all night and woke up late and grabbed a guy’s suit and just ran out the door? I think I’m most offended by the hair (shudder). And finally… Madonna. What can we say about the Material Mom that hasn’t already been said? So many great looks are combing here: first a matador, with a splash of Moulin Rouge, finished off with some dominatrix boots. Oh, and in case you were wondering, it’s assless underneath. So there’s that. Listen, I get that she reinvents herself, and there’s a new look and persona every few years, but this is ridiculous. She has run out of people to be and now she’s just going backwards and ripping off herself. And lets just say that the 1994 Madge in the ‘Take a Bow” video wore it better.

Phew! I don’t know about you guys, but I’m spent. Who took your breath away, and who left you feeling dizzy? I cannot believe we are now less than two weeks away from the Oscars. Enjoy your bad white tuxedos while you can… it’s about to get real.

~L