I have to admit, the Grammys aren’t one of my favorite award shows as far as style is concerned. It’s definitely the most relaxed of all the “big” awards, which means that a whole bunch of people show up dressed like assholes. The Grammys apparently thought they were one step ahead of everyone by sending out a serious “memo” about what celebs should and shouldn’t wear, which it’s clear that everyone promptly laughed at and threw away, or just didn’t read at all. I think the fact that they even felt that it was necessary to send out a list of such fashion constraints shows the level of class we’re talking about here. None of this shiz would ever go down with The Academy.

But I digress. We still need to talk about these hot musical messes.

After digging through all the photos, I was only able to pick out two stars that I felt were appropriately dressed/looked amazing/didn’t embarrass themselves:

I usually don’t care for Rihanna, because let’s face it- girl makes crazy stupid decisions, from her romantic life to her clothes to the sheer amount of naked photos she has on Instagram. I’m sorry, I know the world loves her, I get that every single one of her songs have hit number one, she’s so edgy, blah blah blah. It kills me every week how my beloved Fashion Police do nothing but sing her praises when it comes to style- whether she is wearing a trench coat and nothing else or if she’s rocking 90’s acid washed cutoffs. No thanks. But I was pleasantly surprised when she showed up on the carpet rocking this gorgeous flowing number because I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at her and thought she was classy. Of course, she couldn’t go for it all the way, and just had to have a completely sheer top. It’s safe to say I’ve seen enough of Rihanna’s nipples, and I think the rest of the world has too. Solange gets the majority of her coolness quotient by way of proximity. I mean she is Bey’s little sis and spent her Grammy evening in the front row, knocking back flutes of champagne with bro-in-law Jay-Z. Normally she’s dresses a little nutty for me, but I thought this emerald gown was so beautiful on her. I’m totally jealous of people that can rock the color of the year, because green is most certainly not, nor has ever been, my color. She quirked it up a bit with her choice of shoe color and her signature ‘fro, which I adore on her.

Taylor Swift’s dress would be okay if she hadn’t added that stupid silver t-strap in the front. It reminds my of those old metal back braces that kids with scoliosis had to wear back in the day (all I can think when I look at this is “Kristy Masters stuck magnets to your back…”). And I’m sorry, I cannot get behind the milkmaid braid, no matter how trendy it is. I know that I had specifically called out Adele for being amazing at everything except for dressing herself. She always wears something black and boring. Well now I wish that she had just thrown on another raven frock. I mean, how many of Mrs. Roper’s dresses had to die to make this number? I’m glad that she finally accented her waist instead of wearing something shapeless. The clashing print on the shoe is offending my eyeballs, though. Adele, please please PLEASE redeem yourself at the Oscars, I beg of you. I cannot believe Beyonce had the nerve to do this to us after showering us in amazingness at the Superbowl. I mean, what the eff. When I look at this, I feel anger inside. I mean, it’s music’s biggest night and you show up in yoga pants. FOR SHAME, Bey. For shame.

Does anyone else look at this dress on Jennifer Lopez and just think “desperate?” We get it, J.Lo- you’re sexy. You’ve got the young (possibly homosexual) boyfriend, the gorgeous bod, and a decent career despite a few crap rom coms. So why does she have to try so hard? This dress has all the sex appeal of a Hefty bag, minus the crazy leg slit (which we have seen before, no? It’s not like this is a groundbreaking moment in fashion here). I.am.so.bored. Also I’m going to need some more fullness from her topknot. It looks like a weird little growth on her head. It’s called a sock bun, Jenny. Own it. Hi, I’m Katy Perry, and these are my breasts. No really, how can you ever expect anyone to take you seriously (or look you in the eyes) when you’ve got these bazongas on display? I don’t knock her for having curves- I just feel like this dress is like a car accident. You know you shouldn’t look, but you can’t stop staring. Also there’s no hairstyle I despise more than a middle part with NOTHING HAPPENING at the bottom. Although maybe she just gave up because she knew nobody would be looking at her hair anyway. I was completely disappointed with this whole Easter Elvira look. I can’t say anything bad about Kelly Rowland except for I’m concerned for her. I mean even the smallest movement could have resulted in a wardrobe malfunction. I think her bangs are banging, not to mention her body is too. But damn girl, those are a lot of cutouts. I know you’ve spent many years backing up Beyonce, but it’s like she’s wearing a sign that says “LOOK AT ME!” with an arrow on it. And that arrow is pointing to her vagina.

Alicia Keys has certainly come a long way from those cornrows with all the beads, hasn’t she? I don’t really have anything specific to say about this one. I think she looks… fine. Except the top of her dress looks like it came from a handbag. I never quite know what to think of Carrie Underwood’s style. Obviously she’s gorgeous and has never had a bad hair day, but I think she just misses the mark sometimes. This dress looks like something a woman twice her age would wear. I think the necklace ages her too, which is crazy, because Jessica Alba wore a similar necklace to the Golden Globes and I was obsessed with it. It just didn’t work this time. I also think she has too much hair for this look. She could do without about half of those extensions and slightly less bangs in the front. Plus she was missing her best accessory- her hockey husband, Mike Fisher. Oh, Carly Rae Jepsen. What are you even doing here? I mean yes, theoretically, she was nominated and everything. But did anyone think that “Call Me Maybe” would last beyond summer twenty twelve? I feel like she was styled by the costumer from Dynasty or something. From the blue eyeshadow to the bangs to the too old for her gown (although it turns out she’s like twenty seven and not seventeen as I had once thought), there is just a heaviness to this look that doesn’t really work for her. I actually really like Janelle Monae’s look. I love that she has a signature thing- the fitted, feminine tuxedo- and it works for her. And I do appreciate when people try to evolve their personal style. But there had to be another way to do this other than to become a matador. I actually wouldn’t even mind the jacket on it’s own without the tails and the ridiculous hat. And I think a pointy spiky heel would have worked way better than this open-toed shoe.

Let me just say right now what everyone is thinking. What the hell is Ashanti doing at the Grammys this year? And why is she wearing a gown featuring a floral motif but also bat wings? I can’t describe this look as anything other than… stupid. Florence Welch is known for being out there when it comes to her personal style. Usually it’s some unflattering florals or a weird headband or something. Spiky scales are a whole new ball game. I don’t care what you say about her as an artist, she looks positively reptilian and it’s horrible. The color is great for her though. If you wonder how I feel about pants at award shows, please see Beyonce commentary above. Kaley Cuoco is one of the worst dressers out there today. She just never gets it right on the red carpet. This is the GRAMMYS- you’re not just hitting up a club. And my hands down worst of the entire evening is of course, Kimbra. I think the thing that makes it so awful is that it has elements that I like, but the execution sucks. If this has been an actual skirt instead of poorly placed tulle Kleenexes, it may have worked. And I have two words for you: curled bangs. Have you ever heard a more devastating statement?

So that’s it for “music’s biggest night” (which L.L. reaffirmed about seven thousand times). And all I can say is… bring on the Oscars.

See you then, kids!

~L